oofh, big mood

What the fuck is uttered in my head at least fives times a day and out loud less than that. Sometimes, I just can’t handle what’s going on in my daily life. And it’s not like anything is inherently bad, just mainly unexpected and it really puts a damper on my life.

My mom calls at seven in the morning to tell me that the family dog got the cone of shame; what the fuck. My boss sends me an email on how I’ll have to pull extra time at my mediocre office over the weekend; what the fuck. My ride share misread my location making me twenty minutes late for a movie with a friend; what the fuck. The dryer in my complex pulled the drawstring out of my sleep pants; what the fuck. My college neighbors bought the new shooter game and hosted a tourney at three in the morning; what the fuck. And this is just five examples that I can think of that have driven me up the wall and around the bend.

Sometimes, I keep a mental record of these instances, but the more I dwell, the more I think I need therapy. Lemme tell you, therapy is expensive. I usually just sleep a lot and that helps things. For the record, I love my dog back home and I love my mom, too. And I thank every driver who’s taken me anywhere and I give them a moderate amount of stars. I work in a laid back office in a nice building and I have my own desk. I only tie my drawstring when I’m expecting company. I don’t have a justified statement about my neighbors; play your games at a normal fucking time.

It’s healthy to even say what the fuck about yourself. I’ll drink a soda, choke on it as I’m swallowing, cough up a damn lung, cry my eyes out, and just be like what the fuck, and go back to drinking my soda. I’ll lay in bed after just waking up and scroll through my phone for an hour and it’ll become two hours and I’m late to work and I’ll say what the fuck. Or maybe I’ll even doze off on my couch, watching TV, wake up with matted hair and a numb mouth, go what the fuck and stay up, rewinding to where I was, only to fall asleep again.

My daily what the fuck sense has been going off more than it usually does and in response, I have decided to ignore it. Ignoring it is hard. I can’t ignore it like it’s a primal urge embedded in my brain and it just won’t shut up. It’s as if the control center of my mind has set up a hotline that calls you instead of the other way around. In even better terms, it’s more like when you get a call from your credit card company or the people who monitor your home security.

“Good afternoon, Ezra. We’ve noticed a suspicious amount of what the fuck activity and we were just checking to see if everything was alright.” And then I would go on with my imaginary phone and say “yes, I am the one who is really saying all of those what the fucks. It’s been a hectic few weeks.” Then the call center employee who really isn’t real would wish me a good day and the imaginary phone connection would click and I’d be asked to take an imaginary survey on my what the fuck customer service.

What else am I supposed to do? I’d be passed over for a promotion at my office, my neighbors brought home a new dog and a baby, and my bank account really was hacked, and I really did have to answer a phone call from a center and take a survey. Most times, I want my what the fucks to be when I’m watching dog videos on the internet and they do something cool or when I go to a fast food restaurant and they give me extra chicken nuggets.

I don’t want to use what the fuck like I’m seasoning a meal. I just need to sprinkle it in like a daily multivitamin. Five hundred milligrams, recommended by doctors who don’t care, but it is not regulated by the FDA. My use of what the fuck won’t be limited like that though; with how my life is going, I’m gonna overdose.


My next step

As I sit here at my desk for my last night at Central Michigan University, I wonder what to do. You may think that I should know what I should be doing with my life when I leave here, but I really don’t actually know. I’ve been toying with the idea of going into publishing or editing somewhere in Detroit. My friend says that publishing isn’t what I think it’s going to be, but I kind of hope that working in the environment would help promote my own career in the writing field and maybe help to further myself in my current creative projects. I will be returning to Mount Pleasant and the CMU campus just to help put me somewhere with the upcoming career fair; I couldn’t make it to the one this semester and it kind of annoys me that it was over my birthday. There’s even going to be representatives from Amazon.

I mean, why would an English major and Cinema Studies minor be interested in Amazon? I am currently trying to develop a television show (I’ll try to write the episodes and post them here along with the rest of my fiction) and would love if whoever is here would be able to put me into contact with the branch of Prime Television. So, I might have something there? If not, then I’ll keep developing it and could even just put it straight to YouTube until someone sees it and gives me a bag of money to write it for like, HBO or something. I should also just finish working on my book(s).

Tomorrow at six I walk across the stage and have my name called out, showing my family and everyone I know that I did it. I fucking did it. I made it through my time here and will be graduating after all the highs and lows that I have been through since starting school here. I legitimately talk to one person I knew when I started here and I am so proud of him. My other best friend is a garbage person who is graduating a few hours before me; I’ll be happy to never see him again and I hope he falls off the stage because he trips over his dumb dress. That makes me sound petty, but what would you expect from a toxic person who only excretes noxious fumes of anxiety.

I’m super thankful for my RSO and everyone I’ve met through it. Jason and Aimee and Sydney are super wonderful people and I want them to know that if they read this. Through Spectrum, I went to MBLGTACC in Chicago and with Jason’s influence, I went to LeaderShape in Albion. Thanks to the Jam Fam and our cluster dad, Zak. You’re all great people and I miss you all and will miss you all.

With Spectrum, I met Aimee and Jason, some really cool and wonderful people. They were who I went to Kalamazoo Pride with where we saw Cazwell and the royal queen, Jinkx Monsoon. Jason and I went to separate War on the Catwalk shows, but I probably wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t joined the group and professed my love for Rupaul’s Drag Race more publicly than I ever have in my life. I kind of technically went to a Kesha concert with him, but my brother paid for it, so I’m still super thankful for the ticket. And at the end of November, we went to A Drag Queen Christmas and Aimee, Jason, Casey, Sydney, Noah, and I all met the performers and I kind of wanted to break down from such a great time. I digress.

I’m going to chill out here and wait for the inevitable panic attack that will come tomorrow.

Trinity Taylor

me after the ceremony^

getting spoopy

Halloween is in a week and I’m watching some Michael Myers and Leatherface tonight. I had a screwdriver and whatever you wanna call peppermint vodka with eggnog other than delicious. But I finally wrote something? I want to write more, but finding that motivation is hard. I’d say this is somewhere between where you first meet these two and my most recent stuff with them. 

Another Halloween was here. From my bed, I could hear Mom opening and closing the door for the hordes of neighborhood children asking for candy, dressed in their store-bought costumes and parent-painted makeup. Through my window, I could see them going up and down the sidewalk, zipping from one side of the street to the other, pillow cases and decorative bags swinging, heavy with candy and treats. I rolled over and faced the tiny flat screen again as the antagonist of my film drove a knife into his third victim. When the door closed again, my mom called up to me to lower the volume because I was scaring the children. In return, she put a handful of peanut butter cups in the freezer for me.

I pulled my phone out from under stomach to find no messages for a happy holiday from any of my friends or even Owen, but I was left alone. The only company I had was my slasher flick and even that was almost over. I put the phone back down and propped myself up on my elbow, letting a tiny flame dance on my free palm. With a flick of my finger, it lit up the candle on my dresser across my room. I felt restless. When night fell, I could take a ride; I hadn’t checked what phase the moon would be in, but I don’t think there’s anything more festive than that. Maybe I could curse someone.

The movie credits began to roll and I swished my hand and the TV went black. I rolled off my bed, extinguished the candle, and did myself up in a floppy, black hat and fancy robe. Sliding down the banister of the staircase, I joined my mother at the door.

“Well, don’t you look stereotypical?” she asked. “I don’t remember you buying that. I don’t even remember buying it.”

I’d unwrapped a small lollipop and said, “You don’t have to buy when you can conjure, Mom.”

She looked appalled with her hands on her hips and her face screwed up tight. “So, you’re stealing?”

“I honestly don’t know where it comes from. Who says I didn’t pull it off a guy like me in Ohio? I don’t even know if there is anyone else like me. Wouldn’t that be a trip?”

“That’s still stealing, dummy.”

I swiped my hand to the side and her candy bowl flew off the table in our entryway and crashed to the floor. Her hands went back to her hips and her face resumed its position. She tilted her head to the floor and waited patiently, giving some throat clearing sounds. I snapped my fingers and the bowl and sweets returned to the table with the peanut butter cups in a neat stack off to the side.

“Put them back, Ezra. You can have more when the night is over.”

She left me with the bowl as she went to go watch an animated special on cable. As she left, it didn’t stop me from outfitting her in wrappings like a mummy. She turned quickly on her heel and shot me a dirty look, but quickly huffed away.

“Get it? Because you’re my mummy?”

“You get no candy!”

I stepped outside and sat on the porch with the bowl and just chilled out. I took my phone out of the robe and snapped a selfie in my outfit and included it in a message to Owen with emojis of pumpkins and hearts. I almost called him, but my father had just pulled into the driveway from work.

“Such a frightening costume, son.”

As he walked by me to go inside, he gently squeezed my shoulder, then the door closed. He opened it once more, dressed from head to toe in a white clown suit complete with makeup, nose, and puffy wig. Even with the cheery makeup, he seemed to have a negative disposition. He closed the door again without a word as children began to line up at the short stairs to my house. It was fun for me. My phone vibrated and I swiped it open to messages from Owen.

“Hey, what about the candy?” a small devil asked.

Grab one and go. If you don’t listen, you may be punished.” I crossed my legs and began typing my reply. [it’s the best holiday of the year and you didn’t even wish me a happy day.]

            [sorry. it’s been hectic. everyone at work has been doing their last minute stuff, so i haven’t been able to go home yet.]

            [maybe i could zap in and send them all away.]

Then a kid tried to take more than one piece of candy. He screamed and started to flail but the bowl didn’t move and neither did he.

“What happened to one piece? Greed isn’t cool, kid. Now, do you promise to take one piece and beat it?”

Tears had left tracks on the kid’s sugar skull makeup and he nodded his head quickly. With a gentle tug, I pulled his hand out of the candy and he stepped back, pulling his arm in close to his body. I handed him a junky piece and he backed away from the porch.

“If you keep up that behavior, no one else is gettin’ any. Now, get outta here.”

With the warning, kids listened to me and I went back to my phone.

            [don’t let it get to you, owen. I’ll see you tomorrow?]

            [obviously. we live together.]

            [hey. i love you. happy halloween.]

            [happy halloween. i love you too].

welcome back

It has been a while since I’ve updated my site here on WordPress; I can’t even remember the last post I made. Was it from Kalamazoo Pride? If I took the time to check, I could probably answer my own question. But it’s a Tuesday night and I’m in the middle of a new to me show on Netflix, Hemlock Grove. It is September and I have said it since January, but this year has been pretty great.

As a recap, here we go. I became a PR chairperson of a wonderful group on my campus in January. In February, I went to Chicago with that group for MBLGTACC and I realized some things about me, oh well. I participated in my first Relay for Life, even just helping to run a table, in April. In May, I finished my second to last semester at CMU and attended Leadershape 2017 in Albion, where I learned so much more about myself and how to actually start leading without fear. I attended Kalamazoo Pride 2017 with some friends from Spectrum where we were in the presence of Drag Race royalty, Jinkx Monsoon, and one of the men behind the lace romper for guys, Cazwell. In July, I took my brother to War on the Catwalk where we sat in the Devos Place with a room of fans and watched some amazing contestants of Rupaul’s Drag Race season nine. In August, I started my last semester of my undergraduate career at Central Michigan University.

I’d say my schedule here is hectic, but I’d be lying. I’m enjoying my Forensic Anthropology class along with American Sign Language. Most people could question my fascination with forensics and consider me crazy, but I assure you, reader, I doubt anything will come from it. And learning ASL will make family Thanksgivings so much more enjoyable when I can sit at my table with my father and sign without many people knowing.

I bought a notebook for me to write fiction in, but I haven’t done much with it yet. I also tried that with my new iPad, but the most creative thing I’ve done with that so far is draw the face of Bill Skarsgård’s Pennywise. I haven’t been writing very much, but it’s been forever since I read a book for pleasure, so what do I start reading? It. I saw the new film and thought it was fantastic. I saw the original two days before so I could remind myself of certain plot points and just felt an overall obsession start. Oh well. This book is terrifying.

I’ll keep it up. Thanks for the read.

I stayed the weekend in a creepy hotel

In like, May, I found out that Jinkx Monsoon was going to be a headlining guest at OutFront’s Kalamazoo Pride 2017 here in Michigan. I immediately flipped out and told my friends that we had to go. Like, Pearl was there last year and so was Thorgy Thor; we had to go.

So, this past weekend, Jason, Aimee, and I spent the weekend and so much money in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Jason was super late on Friday, so we went to the Crossroads Mall for a little bit of shopping and some dinner at the food court before we made our way to the festival place and seeing Miss Kalamazoo Pride receive her crown. Soon after, Darren made their way down the runway and danced like crazy. Carol yelled at us to drink Sparkleberry, which turns out to be good, and then she introduced us all to Sutton Lee Seymour. She was an amazing performer who gave us renditions of songs from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Chicago, and some of Disney’s most popular songs. She was so great and let us get photos with here; I was so happy. After Sutton’s performance, I was treated to like, my first concert from a local 80’s cover band, Hair Mania.

The next day was an amazing whirlwind of free swag and buying stuff alike. I had my first bottle of Smirnoff that wasn’t vodka in public; I can’t find their blueberry lemonade literally anywhere. I got my mom this bombass shot glass quoting Glinda from The Wizard of Oz. We listened to Gretchen Whitmer speak about her dreams for state and I would love to see them come true. It was a little fantastic hearing someone in person talk about how they want to help things for a better view of the world. Kellogg’s had a booth and was crazy generous handing out whole packages of food to the people in attendance. I got my photo taken with both Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam. I was covered in buttons and political stickers stating my support for Whitmer, Jon Hoadley, Planned Parenthood and gay literature. Darren and Carol came back to dance with the other wonderful woman whose name I can’t remember to the musical stylings of DJ Dazzleship. Then Cazwell came out and I really got into it; like, I don’t go for his musical style ever, but he was great. He helped design the lace romper for men! And afterwards, Jinkx Monsoon came out and I screamed so goddamn much. She was amazing and I loved her and we were so close to the stage and I couldn’t handle it; I was making so much eye contact with Jinkx freaking Monsoon and I was having the best time. Everyone really wanted to see her in person, but she had a five am flight.

I was so happy to be surrounded  by people of the same mindset. Everyone was there to be around people like them. I mean, I’m not gay per se, but as an asexual, I felt welcome there. I had a wonderful time; if you wanna see photos, let me know.

i’m cool for this summer

I have been away from my computer since I’ve been home from LeaderShape. Basically working every day and watching the hell outta Supernatural on Netflix; I am almost through season twelve and I’m very upset with some of the unnecessary deaths this show has put forward.

When I woke up, the normal good morning message wasn’t on my phone, so I thought I’d send my own.

good morning! I hope you have a great day!

sorry. can’t talk right now. in lab at the moment.

I flipped my phone over and rolled off of my side of what was once our bed. He told me to keep it for when he’d visit, but my bed had been only slept in by me for almost a month now. Our apartment was set up with nearly two of everything. I stood at one of the two sinks in our bathroom and looked myself over in the wall-length mirror. I gently pulled on the skin under my eyes and let my face snap back in place. Nevertheless, I got ready for my day and the classes I had. Even after my shower, there was nothing. I could almost curse Owen.

Before I start feeling needy and helpless, I support Owen and his education, but I feel like he and I are separating and drifting apart. I could show up at any time, but I don’t want to ever piss him off. He knew that if he’d do it, he might end up barbecued or maybe in space. We’re six months into this new joint life of ours, but he technically doesn’t even live in the same apartment as me. He’s learning for his career. It’s not like there’s nothing that I can do. I was literally and figuratively powerful. I could do what I wanted.

My neighbor eyed me I locked the front door. I didn’t know his name and he didn’t know mine, but he just stared at me.

“Can I help you?” I asked him, slipping my keys into my bag.

“I was just wondering what happened to the other guy who lived here.”

“He’s at school in a different city.”

This guy fell against his door and kept his eyes on me. His eyes were unsettling.

“If you ever wanna hang out with someone for the night, you know where to find me.”

He pushed his earbuds in and walked out of the hall before me. When I saw he was gone, I slowly ran a hand against his door and heard a series of clicks from the door handle. I threw my bag over my shoulder and walked out of the apartment complex. I typed out a quick message to Owen.

i just destroyed some guy’s door because he asked to spend the night with me.

can i ask how…?

i touched it. he pissed me off.

Welcome to your new life: The last six days have been a trip.

I was nominated for this event through my University by my success coach at CMU and I barely even read the email when I first got it in March. I didn’t understand the gist of what it was talking about, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t apply in time for the “priority” processing. But, my co-president told me that he was accepted and there were still open spaces. So, I applied to the Leadershape Institute through CMU.

I arrived in Albion on Sunday, scared af because I am the worst person at meeting new people because I am a quiet introvert. And then Jason’s roommate for the week asks me how I watch the Star Wars series and then we got into a weird debate about it. And then I was thrust into the Gold Institute and got to what they called the Learning Community where we met Raja, Claudia, and the rest of the faculty. I was asked to find a high five buddy and arrange myself with the rest of the group by birthday and by shoe size and even by where I came from in the world. Then we did some discussions and were released to dinner, but had to come back and we were put into family clusters. They were these groups of random students with one faculty member and mine got to meet on the fourth floor of this building; stairs were hella prevalent on this campus and after a few days of it, I didn’t feel like I was going to die anymore. The first night, I went into my history of my life at CMU and weirdly enough, like, all these people were extremely supportive of everything I had to say, even Cluster Dad Zak with the resting bitch face.

Challenge courses were… interesting. I didn’t do much except for play with a giant beach ball and a parachute. The Gold Institute launched tf out of a rubber chicken. But aside from the fun stuff, we were taught about the value of people and teams. I went to this Institute to learn how to be more confident and not actually care about whether or not I could speak in front of people and fear judgement. I’m very soft-spoken and full of self-doubt and definitely capitalize on the self-deprecating humor. I came into this looking for information on how I can get past this stuff and actually lead better in my group on campus. So, through the week, I performed in front of like sixty-ish people, I spoke into a microphone multiple times, offered input on how my campus could change, and even hugged someone I only knew for a week. I shared my vision with all these people and wasn’t even judged for it.

The best part of this week, though, was the family cluster. We have gushed to each other all week and came to be such a supportive group of people. And it’s weird for me to trust people with all the shit I’ve gone through, but I came to trust my Cluster Dad, Zak, because he basically put everything on the table and I felt like it was okay for me to do the same; honestly, I have thanked him so many times this week, I think he’s getting tired of hearing it from me, but this was so huge for me and I just feel so thankful for everything he did for the Jam Fam. Michael and Moriah did the same. Johnnie, Connor, Karissa, Maria, and Brianna all did the same and were so welcoming to everything I said even if my life didn’t line up with theirs. I was told so many things about myself that I don’t ever want to see because I keep hiding within myself. Last night, everyone was so fucking candid and I couldn’t even make eye contact with anyone because I would get so emotional; I am just thankful that Zak did it for us.

I am so ready for my final semester to come so I can enact everything that I have learned this week. I want to use this knowledge toward my group. I want to use this knowledge in my life. I cannot wait to meet back up with my family and see how the rest of this year treated them. I want to know how classes go, I want to know how Safari goes for the new guides, or even how the Leadership office works. I’m gonna thank all of you again and again.