it looks kind of not good

so, if you didn’t pick up on it, i’m still going. have fun reading.

Imagine this: a college student in his last semester, sitting at a desk that’s actually organized and the books are neatly stacked on their ends and the notebooks are in a wire box, but the student isn’t doing homework for once in his life. No, he’s staring at the computer screen waiting for him to sign in online. He refreshed the video chat service until he thought he saw the green dot show up. That’s my life.

Another night of the week, another few hours that I waited to see him for just a few minutes. Long distance was killing me. I refreshed my friends list again, once and twice more and finally saw what I was looking for. Next to the screenname, WildeThing, an online notification had popped up and I clicked the call button before he went away again.

“Hey, glad to catch you!” I said with a laugh.

He smiled and checked his phone’s time. He looked flustered and exhausted.

“Unfortunately, I can’t stay too long. I’ve got an early morning meeting tomorrow with my advisor tomorrow. How was your day? How did the exam go?”

“It went fine, I guess. Thanks for your help last week. How were classes?”

“They were great. I learned so much more than I thought I could. It’s weird to actually learn things.”

I cocked my head and smiled again. “It’s nice to see you again. We need to this more.”

“I know, I know. Our schedules don’t match up very well anymore, but did they ever?”

“Yeah, but it was a hell of a lot easier when we went to the same school.”

He took a deep breath. “I know, but that’s what happens. That’s why we have video chatting and cell phones? If we hung up right now, I’d be texting you before we went to sleep. And you have a car! Come see me.”

“Last time I came to see you, you mostly did homework the entire time I was there.”

“I’m free this weekend. Completely free. I’ll even pay for gas.”

“Do you promise? You and I are gonna spend time together with no classwork between us?”

“I promise,” he checked his phone again, “I’ve gotta go to bed.”

“Okay. I’ll call or text you tomorrow?”

“Both. I love you.”

“Love you.”

The video screen went blank and I shut my computer down and climbed into bed. I held my phone in front of my face and typed a message to him, but there was no reply before I closed my eyes.

so, before you ask, i’ve already written the next like, piece to this and that’s where you’ll see when this is set up. and if you check the folders, you’ll know who the characters are.

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the end. or is it? i dunno.

Alright, so I’ve finished the main part of this. So, it’s like, I’m not writing up to Ezra’s dreams.

Owen and I lost touch with Mason and Gavin when they decided to move out on their own. Owen and I consolidated our items and we moved from our bedroom to a two, even if we shared a room half of the time, but it ended up being more than that; the second room became on office for homework and ideas.

Owen took some time to understand my life, just like my parents had, but after a few weeks, he’d settled down like we were living the plot of Bewitched. He and I took trips without stepping in a car and I didn’t ever physically touch a single chore. Owen was fine with it. He came to terms with me and did the same with us.

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? thanks, pocahontas 2.

So, like, I’m still awake because I’m just watching my seventeenth episode of UNHhhh of the night; it’s so good and Trixie Mattel and I are on the same wavelength. Alright, but my life is spiraling out of control because the end of the semester is coming and oh my god, I don’t want it. With the end of this semester coming, I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE LEFT OF MY COLLEGE EDUCATION. I literally cannot handle what’s happening.

I applied for graduation today… yesterday… it’s not a new day until I wake up, so fuck you. So, my friend is like, “Did you think that you just did your classes and then graduate?” Honestly? Partially. I don’t know why I have to apply to graduate; that’s stupid. But the other half of the things, I just didn’t know the deadline was (looks at calendar and clock) technically in nine days. I’m not dumb, I’m just confused. Why stress me out with this? And then I’m like, let’s look at fuckin’ jobs after graduation! I could do community college for teaching BUT, I could also apply for publication jobs where I’m actively using my degree! The only major publication jobs in this dumb state are in Detroit and I am not sure at the moment on whether I want to do that…

I started my screenplay! I’m adapting the short story “By the Waters of Babylon” for my class, so that’s trip. I don’t wanna do it. But it’s an assignment. SPEAKING OF ASSIGNMENTS, I also have to write a paper of African American Cinema, a paper comparing documentaries, and a paper that is literally about a hole. Someone do these for me, please. Just give me that diploma now; I’d honestly rather graduate with this current class here right now instead of in December.

And then my club’s having Pride Prom this month? I wanna go, but I feel like if I ask, you might not say yes? Well, I mean, there’s a way I wanna ask, so be surprised. But I also don’t know your feelings on the matter anymore, so I’m gonna say that I inserted that emoji of the face that’s upside down and smiling. I’m fine. 😀 I still really haven’t been hugged.

thanks for making my life good

I want to write, but I have no clue anymore. I usually write when I’m stressed or something traumatic happens in my personal life, but it hasn’t been like that lately. I have an ongoing project here in my writing folder, the android piece. That doesn’t seem too hard or sad, but I’m just not motivated.

A year ago, I had so many ideas because my life was fucked. I was not happy. I was afraid to even talk to the guy I lived with and spent many a day being silent in my own bedroom. I watched Netflix by myself and did homework. I didn’t really talk to anybody except for my friend from my freshman year. I feel like I keep talking about this, but it’s also good to talk about the negative parts in your life. I’ve removed the toxicity with a squeegee like a sludge.

Today, I chatted up my friend, the co-president of my group and I couldn’t stop smiling because our conversation went downhill quickly. Tonight, I wore a passion peel off because it’s good to treat yourself. Yesterday, I took an adventure through this town with one of the best people I know and someone I really like. I went to Relay for Life this past weekend and did wonderful charity work with some great people. I’m going to Ihop, the best place on Earth, with amazing people, and one of them is that special person. They know I talk about them here because they read everything I write that isn’t fiction; shout out to you, you know how I feel.

I went to Chicago last month to go to a conference because I was lucky enough to be asked to go. I’m a board member for my on-campus group where I have made my circle of friends bigger. I’m exercising more and eating less and doing more things things that make me happy. WOW. It feels good to be happy! WHO KNEW?

call me belle

I love exploring this town. I love it even more knowing that I’ve been here for four years now and I haven’t done hardly anything. I was in the corner of my campus today, yelling out “I don’t know where I am!” And it’s so weird because this is almost a whole year after I actually started writing here. That weird gentle weekend is coming up at the end of this week.

But what am I going to do this weekend? Honestly, I’d love to explore this town some more with you while you show me where to go and what we could do here in Mount Pleasant. I’ve never actually walked to Mission Street before because I go everywhere by car, but it’s different when I’m interested in like, the only person who walks and bikes anywhere. Show me what to do. Get me out of the driver’s seat of my tiny batmobile.

Just don’t talk to me about the future yet because I still don’t know what’s happening in the now and don’t want to lose it before this summer comes. But I also want hugs. Please. I want to be affectionate. I hope when you read this, you find it endearing and hilarious and you do that thing where you laugh into your elbow.

the gummy bears sucked

poetry is my least favorite creative writing class at my university, but i always think they’re great when i write them. i love prose poetry.

i mean, maybe i could have fought harder, but i could have also taken a step back.

Maybe i didn’t move, but as i stood stationary while the world passed around me. while you left and not only left, you left me. standing here while the world passed slowly like the snail outside on the concrete step.

fighting harder pushes you away and not fighting at all shows that i don’t care, but i’m the one who cares the most. and you know that about me, but there’s a disconnect like when the phone charger is pulled out of the block and the lightning symbol disappears from your screen and the battery bar turns red again. but we aren’t a phone and its charger. we are people confused on what we are. you didn’t even say goodbye before you left.

domestic life

I like the way that you cover your face with your elbow when you laugh.

I also actually really like writing dream sequences where Ezra is happy with Owen.

Owen and I hugged again and we went our separate ways in the dead of night. He wished me a peaceful sleep and I did the same, and we closed our doors simultaneously with soft clicks of the door handles. I spun like a princess from the movies as I fell onto my bed and pulled the blankets around me. I yawned and waved my lights off as I buried my face into my pillow. I had another dream, but this time it was happy, just like while I was at home.

Sunlight came through the open window of my bedroom and brought me from a full rest to a stir. I rolled back and into an unexpected form.

“Good morning,” Owen said with a yawn. He wrapped his arm around me and pressed on my chest. I turned over in his hold and gazed upon his face, gently pulling the sleep from his eyes and off his head.

“Morning. How’d you sleep last night?”

“Ever since you’ve started putting me to sleep, it’s been better and better. Is there coffee downstairs?”

Before he could take another breath, I was gone from the bed and scooping coffee grounds into a filter. Owen descended the stairs quickly with a robe tied closed around himself. He started retrieving breakfast foods from the refrigerator and he prepped the utensils for the meal.

“You know, I could have waited on coffee, right?”

“And you realize that I could have made breakfast from the living room?”

Owen rolled his eyes and went back to work on the stove. We ate sitting on the counter with multiple cups of coffee between us and the morning news playing in the living room. Owen slid down from his seat by the sink but I held him back at the foot of the stairs, stuck in place.

“I can’t get ready for work if I’m stuck downstairs, Ezra,” Owen laughed.

“I mean, you don’t have to go. Stay with me today.”

“Ezra, we have spent so many days here, it is a mess. I’ve never thought that sex like this would be so enticing, but wow. But I also need to go to work today. I can’t just work from home every day. And neither can you.”

I rolled my eyes and my pajamas from the night before became one of my dress outfits for the office I edited for. I did the same for Owen as my hair grew out and I tied it into a bun. I did a twirl and pointed at my clothes.

“Better? Can I make an appearance at the office and then come back?”

Owen shook his head and pulled his keys from the wall hook and wished me a good day. He kissed me goodbye and removed his bag from the floor by the back door of the house. He waved from the other side of the door window. I waved my hands and the household chores began as I left with my own work over my shoulder and the lights flicked off as I closed the door behind me.