oofh, big mood

What the fuck is uttered in my head at least fives times a day and out loud less than that. Sometimes, I just can’t handle what’s going on in my daily life. And it’s not like anything is inherently bad, just mainly unexpected and it really puts a damper on my life.

My mom calls at seven in the morning to tell me that the family dog got the cone of shame; what the fuck. My boss sends me an email on how I’ll have to pull extra time at my mediocre office over the weekend; what the fuck. My ride share misread my location making me twenty minutes late for a movie with a friend; what the fuck. The dryer in my complex pulled the drawstring out of my sleep pants; what the fuck. My college neighbors bought the new shooter game and hosted a tourney at three in the morning; what the fuck. And this is just five examples that I can think of that have driven me up the wall and around the bend.

Sometimes, I keep a mental record of these instances, but the more I dwell, the more I think I need therapy. Lemme tell you, therapy is expensive. I usually just sleep a lot and that helps things. For the record, I love my dog back home and I love my mom, too. And I thank every driver who’s taken me anywhere and I give them a moderate amount of stars. I work in a laid back office in a nice building and I have my own desk. I only tie my drawstring when I’m expecting company. I don’t have a justified statement about my neighbors; play your games at a normal fucking time.

It’s healthy to even say what the fuck about yourself. I’ll drink a soda, choke on it as I’m swallowing, cough up a damn lung, cry my eyes out, and just be like what the fuck, and go back to drinking my soda. I’ll lay in bed after just waking up and scroll through my phone for an hour and it’ll become two hours and I’m late to work and I’ll say what the fuck. Or maybe I’ll even doze off on my couch, watching TV, wake up with matted hair and a numb mouth, go what the fuck and stay up, rewinding to where I was, only to fall asleep again.

My daily what the fuck sense has been going off more than it usually does and in response, I have decided to ignore it. Ignoring it is hard. I can’t ignore it like it’s a primal urge embedded in my brain and it just won’t shut up. It’s as if the control center of my mind has set up a hotline that calls you instead of the other way around. In even better terms, it’s more like when you get a call from your credit card company or the people who monitor your home security.

“Good afternoon, Ezra. We’ve noticed a suspicious amount of what the fuck activity and we were just checking to see if everything was alright.” And then I would go on with my imaginary phone and say “yes, I am the one who is really saying all of those what the fucks. It’s been a hectic few weeks.” Then the call center employee who really isn’t real would wish me a good day and the imaginary phone connection would click and I’d be asked to take an imaginary survey on my what the fuck customer service.

What else am I supposed to do? I’d be passed over for a promotion at my office, my neighbors brought home a new dog and a baby, and my bank account really was hacked, and I really did have to answer a phone call from a center and take a survey. Most times, I want my what the fucks to be when I’m watching dog videos on the internet and they do something cool or when I go to a fast food restaurant and they give me extra chicken nuggets.

I don’t want to use what the fuck like I’m seasoning a meal. I just need to sprinkle it in like a daily multivitamin. Five hundred milligrams, recommended by doctors who don’t care, but it is not regulated by the FDA. My use of what the fuck won’t be limited like that though; with how my life is going, I’m gonna overdose.


My next step

As I sit here at my desk for my last night at Central Michigan University, I wonder what to do. You may think that I should know what I should be doing with my life when I leave here, but I really don’t actually know. I’ve been toying with the idea of going into publishing or editing somewhere in Detroit. My friend says that publishing isn’t what I think it’s going to be, but I kind of hope that working in the environment would help promote my own career in the writing field and maybe help to further myself in my current creative projects. I will be returning to Mount Pleasant and the CMU campus just to help put me somewhere with the upcoming career fair; I couldn’t make it to the one this semester and it kind of annoys me that it was over my birthday. There’s even going to be representatives from Amazon.

I mean, why would an English major and Cinema Studies minor be interested in Amazon? I am currently trying to develop a television show (I’ll try to write the episodes and post them here along with the rest of my fiction) and would love if whoever is here would be able to put me into contact with the branch of Prime Television. So, I might have something there? If not, then I’ll keep developing it and could even just put it straight to YouTube until someone sees it and gives me a bag of money to write it for like, HBO or something. I should also just finish working on my book(s).

Tomorrow at six I walk across the stage and have my name called out, showing my family and everyone I know that I did it. I fucking did it. I made it through my time here and will be graduating after all the highs and lows that I have been through since starting school here. I legitimately talk to one person I knew when I started here and I am so proud of him. My other best friend is a garbage person who is graduating a few hours before me; I’ll be happy to never see him again and I hope he falls off the stage because he trips over his dumb dress. That makes me sound petty, but what would you expect from a toxic person who only excretes noxious fumes of anxiety.

I’m super thankful for my RSO and everyone I’ve met through it. Jason and Aimee and Sydney are super wonderful people and I want them to know that if they read this. Through Spectrum, I went to MBLGTACC in Chicago and with Jason’s influence, I went to LeaderShape in Albion. Thanks to the Jam Fam and our cluster dad, Zak. You’re all great people and I miss you all and will miss you all.

With Spectrum, I met Aimee and Jason, some really cool and wonderful people. They were who I went to Kalamazoo Pride with where we saw Cazwell and the royal queen, Jinkx Monsoon. Jason and I went to separate War on the Catwalk shows, but I probably wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t joined the group and professed my love for Rupaul’s Drag Race more publicly than I ever have in my life. I kind of technically went to a Kesha concert with him, but my brother paid for it, so I’m still super thankful for the ticket. And at the end of November, we went to A Drag Queen Christmas and Aimee, Jason, Casey, Sydney, Noah, and I all met the performers and I kind of wanted to break down from such a great time. I digress.

I’m going to chill out here and wait for the inevitable panic attack that will come tomorrow.

Trinity Taylor

me after the ceremony^

welcome back

It has been a while since I’ve updated my site here on WordPress; I can’t even remember the last post I made. Was it from Kalamazoo Pride? If I took the time to check, I could probably answer my own question. But it’s a Tuesday night and I’m in the middle of a new to me show on Netflix, Hemlock Grove. It is September and I have said it since January, but this year has been pretty great.

As a recap, here we go. I became a PR chairperson of a wonderful group on my campus in January. In February, I went to Chicago with that group for MBLGTACC and I realized some things about me, oh well. I participated in my first Relay for Life, even just helping to run a table, in April. In May, I finished my second to last semester at CMU and attended Leadershape 2017 in Albion, where I learned so much more about myself and how to actually start leading without fear. I attended Kalamazoo Pride 2017 with some friends from Spectrum where we were in the presence of Drag Race royalty, Jinkx Monsoon, and one of the men behind the lace romper for guys, Cazwell. In July, I took my brother to War on the Catwalk where we sat in the Devos Place with a room of fans and watched some amazing contestants of Rupaul’s Drag Race season nine. In August, I started my last semester of my undergraduate career at Central Michigan University.

I’d say my schedule here is hectic, but I’d be lying. I’m enjoying my Forensic Anthropology class along with American Sign Language. Most people could question my fascination with forensics and consider me crazy, but I assure you, reader, I doubt anything will come from it. And learning ASL will make family Thanksgivings so much more enjoyable when I can sit at my table with my father and sign without many people knowing.

I bought a notebook for me to write fiction in, but I haven’t done much with it yet. I also tried that with my new iPad, but the most creative thing I’ve done with that so far is draw the face of Bill Skarsgård’s Pennywise. I haven’t been writing very much, but it’s been forever since I read a book for pleasure, so what do I start reading? It. I saw the new film and thought it was fantastic. I saw the original two days before so I could remind myself of certain plot points and just felt an overall obsession start. Oh well. This book is terrifying.

I’ll keep it up. Thanks for the read.

Welcome to your new life: The last six days have been a trip.

I was nominated for this event through my University by my success coach at CMU and I barely even read the email when I first got it in March. I didn’t understand the gist of what it was talking about, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t apply in time for the “priority” processing. But, my co-president told me that he was accepted and there were still open spaces. So, I applied to the Leadershape Institute through CMU.

I arrived in Albion on Sunday, scared af because I am the worst person at meeting new people because I am a quiet introvert. And then Jason’s roommate for the week asks me how I watch the Star Wars series and then we got into a weird debate about it. And then I was thrust into the Gold Institute and got to what they called the Learning Community where we met Raja, Claudia, and the rest of the faculty. I was asked to find a high five buddy and arrange myself with the rest of the group by birthday and by shoe size and even by where I came from in the world. Then we did some discussions and were released to dinner, but had to come back and we were put into family clusters. They were these groups of random students with one faculty member and mine got to meet on the fourth floor of this building; stairs were hella prevalent on this campus and after a few days of it, I didn’t feel like I was going to die anymore. The first night, I went into my history of my life at CMU and weirdly enough, like, all these people were extremely supportive of everything I had to say, even Cluster Dad Zak with the resting bitch face.

Challenge courses were… interesting. I didn’t do much except for play with a giant beach ball and a parachute. The Gold Institute launched tf out of a rubber chicken. But aside from the fun stuff, we were taught about the value of people and teams. I went to this Institute to learn how to be more confident and not actually care about whether or not I could speak in front of people and fear judgement. I’m very soft-spoken and full of self-doubt and definitely capitalize on the self-deprecating humor. I came into this looking for information on how I can get past this stuff and actually lead better in my group on campus. So, through the week, I performed in front of like sixty-ish people, I spoke into a microphone multiple times, offered input on how my campus could change, and even hugged someone I only knew for a week. I shared my vision with all these people and wasn’t even judged for it.

The best part of this week, though, was the family cluster. We have gushed to each other all week and came to be such a supportive group of people. And it’s weird for me to trust people with all the shit I’ve gone through, but I came to trust my Cluster Dad, Zak, because he basically put everything on the table and I felt like it was okay for me to do the same; honestly, I have thanked him so many times this week, I think he’s getting tired of hearing it from me, but this was so huge for me and I just feel so thankful for everything he did for the Jam Fam. Michael and Moriah did the same. Johnnie, Connor, Karissa, Maria, and Brianna all did the same and were so welcoming to everything I said even if my life didn’t line up with theirs. I was told so many things about myself that I don’t ever want to see because I keep hiding within myself. Last night, everyone was so fucking candid and I couldn’t even make eye contact with anyone because I would get so emotional; I am just thankful that Zak did it for us.

I am so ready for my final semester to come so I can enact everything that I have learned this week. I want to use this knowledge toward my group. I want to use this knowledge in my life. I cannot wait to meet back up with my family and see how the rest of this year treated them. I want to know how classes go, I want to know how Safari goes for the new guides, or even how the Leadership office works. I’m gonna thank all of you again and again.

can i go study in kamar-taj?

The semester is winding down again and I’ve only got like, two weeks left of my senior year here at CMU. I’ve got one more semester, so would that classify me as a fifth year student even if I’m only taking half of the year? I don’t know and my eye is twitching.

I’ve got two papers and two presentations and I wanna fucking push them out of the way because I don’t want to do them at all. I’ve gotta compare like, three documentaries and I’ve got five days to do it as of now along with the other paper/presentation where I’ve gotta write 2400 words on a damn hole in the sidewalk. Send help. Send me a ghost writer. Find me documentaries I actually wanna watch; I was thinking The Life and Times of Harvey Milk, Bridegroom, and then some really recent movie about LGBT rights here in the U.S. For some reason, in my papers, I wanna do a sort of chronological timeline kind of thing and this time, it’s more about the rights of our gay citizens here. BUT HOW AM I GONNA WRITE LIKE, EIGHT PAGES ABOUT A HOLE? Damn you, Weinstock; you’re gonna be the death of me. But I’m currently just sitting here watching Luke Cage on Netflix because I never finished it when it premiered, but I finished Iron Fist today and I’ve gotta finish them all before The Defenders (Jessica for life, y’all.). I’ve also seen Rogue One twice this month and Doctor Strange is great with that Disney Anywhere app.

On the note of the semester winding down, graduation is coming up for some people. My best friend since freshman year has been accepted to graduate school in Alabama, bless his heart; I’m so proud of him and he’ll probably know that for as long as we live. But then there’s this guy that I’ve come to know and he’s probably tired of me talking about him here, but I don’t really care? He’s graduating and I’m proud of him too for being probably the smartest and most awkward person I know and that’s one of the reasons I like him so much. But we haven’t done anything to advance whatever the fuck we’re doing and it sucks and we haven’t actually discussed where this is going, but I digress I guess; I just really wanna give him his Comic Con gift I bought.

That was cool too! I went to Comic Con in Indianapolis for the third year in a row! I met Charlie Fucking Cox and he was delightfully British and he loved my shirt. So, I have this fascination with Stardust and it’s probably one of the best romances I’ve seen and he’s in it as Tristan Thorn and my last name is that, but it has an ‘E’, so I had this shirt made that said “Team Thorn(e)” and he said it was the best things he’s seen. I got a photo of my family with my fourth favorite Batman, Val Kilmer. I bought like, seven more pieces of nerdtastic art and I’m ready to move into my own apartment.

I’m not ready to go back to work. I don’t want to mingle with customers and the general public; I’m kind of tired of it? But I need to save my money so I can try and move out of my family home when I graduate which kind of sucks, but like I told my mom today, I don’t really wanna drive from my house to Detroit (if I land a job in publishing there). But I also need a new iPad. Will someone buy one for me?

Deep Breathing

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? thanks, pocahontas 2.

So, like, I’m still awake because I’m just watching my seventeenth episode of UNHhhh of the night; it’s so good and Trixie Mattel and I are on the same wavelength. Alright, but my life is spiraling out of control because the end of the semester is coming and oh my god, I don’t want it. With the end of this semester coming, I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE LEFT OF MY COLLEGE EDUCATION. I literally cannot handle what’s happening.

I applied for graduation today… yesterday… it’s not a new day until I wake up, so fuck you. So, my friend is like, “Did you think that you just did your classes and then graduate?” Honestly? Partially. I don’t know why I have to apply to graduate; that’s stupid. But the other half of the things, I just didn’t know the deadline was (looks at calendar and clock) technically in nine days. I’m not dumb, I’m just confused. Why stress me out with this? And then I’m like, let’s look at fuckin’ jobs after graduation! I could do community college for teaching BUT, I could also apply for publication jobs where I’m actively using my degree! The only major publication jobs in this dumb state are in Detroit and I am not sure at the moment on whether I want to do that…

I started my screenplay! I’m adapting the short story “By the Waters of Babylon” for my class, so that’s trip. I don’t wanna do it. But it’s an assignment. SPEAKING OF ASSIGNMENTS, I also have to write a paper of African American Cinema, a paper comparing documentaries, and a paper that is literally about a hole. Someone do these for me, please. Just give me that diploma now; I’d honestly rather graduate with this current class here right now instead of in December.

And then my club’s having Pride Prom this month? I wanna go, but I feel like if I ask, you might not say yes? Well, I mean, there’s a way I wanna ask, so be surprised. But I also don’t know your feelings on the matter anymore, so I’m gonna say that I inserted that emoji of the face that’s upside down and smiling. I’m fine. 😀 I still really haven’t been hugged.

thanks for making my life good

I want to write, but I have no clue anymore. I usually write when I’m stressed or something traumatic happens in my personal life, but it hasn’t been like that lately. I have an ongoing project here in my writing folder, the android piece. That doesn’t seem too hard or sad, but I’m just not motivated.

A year ago, I had so many ideas because my life was fucked. I was not happy. I was afraid to even talk to the guy I lived with and spent many a day being silent in my own bedroom. I watched Netflix by myself and did homework. I didn’t really talk to anybody except for my friend from my freshman year. I feel like I keep talking about this, but it’s also good to talk about the negative parts in your life. I’ve removed the toxicity with a squeegee like a sludge.

Today, I chatted up my friend, the co-president of my group and I couldn’t stop smiling because our conversation went downhill quickly. Tonight, I wore a passion peel off because it’s good to treat yourself. Yesterday, I took an adventure through this town with one of the best people I know and someone I really like. I went to Relay for Life this past weekend and did wonderful charity work with some great people. I’m going to Ihop, the best place on Earth, with amazing people, and one of them is that special person. They know I talk about them here because they read everything I write that isn’t fiction; shout out to you, you know how I feel.

I went to Chicago last month to go to a conference because I was lucky enough to be asked to go. I’m a board member for my on-campus group where I have made my circle of friends bigger. I’m exercising more and eating less and doing more things things that make me happy. WOW. It feels good to be happy! WHO KNEW?