welcome back

It has been a while since I’ve updated my site here on WordPress; I can’t even remember the last post I made. Was it from Kalamazoo Pride? If I took the time to check, I could probably answer my own question. But it’s a Tuesday night and I’m in the middle of a new to me show on Netflix, Hemlock Grove. It is September and I have said it since January, but this year has been pretty great.

As a recap, here we go. I became a PR chairperson of a wonderful group on my campus in January. In February, I went to Chicago with that group for MBLGTACC and I realized some things about me, oh well. I participated in my first Relay for Life, even just helping to run a table, in April. In May, I finished my second to last semester at CMU and attended Leadershape 2017 in Albion, where I learned so much more about myself and how to actually start leading without fear. I attended Kalamazoo Pride 2017 with some friends from Spectrum where we were in the presence of Drag Race royalty, Jinkx Monsoon, and one of the men behind the lace romper for guys, Cazwell. In July, I took my brother to War on the Catwalk where we sat in the Devos Place with a room of fans and watched some amazing contestants of Rupaul’s Drag Race season nine. In August, I started my last semester of my undergraduate career at Central Michigan University.

I’d say my schedule here is hectic, but I’d be lying. I’m enjoying my Forensic Anthropology class along with American Sign Language. Most people could question my fascination with forensics and consider me crazy, but I assure you, reader, I doubt anything will come from it. And learning ASL will make family Thanksgivings so much more enjoyable when I can sit at my table with my father and sign without many people knowing.

I bought a notebook for me to write fiction in, but I haven’t done much with it yet. I also tried that with my new iPad, but the most creative thing I’ve done with that so far is draw the face of Bill Skarsgård’s Pennywise. I haven’t been writing very much, but it’s been forever since I read a book for pleasure, so what do I start reading? It. I saw the new film and thought it was fantastic. I saw the original two days before so I could remind myself of certain plot points and just felt an overall obsession start. Oh well. This book is terrifying.

I’ll keep it up. Thanks for the read.

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I stayed the weekend in a creepy hotel

In like, May, I found out that Jinkx Monsoon was going to be a headlining guest at OutFront’s Kalamazoo Pride 2017 here in Michigan. I immediately flipped out and told my friends that we had to go. Like, Pearl was there last year and so was Thorgy Thor; we had to go.

So, this past weekend, Jason, Aimee, and I spent the weekend and so much money in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Jason was super late on Friday, so we went to the Crossroads Mall for a little bit of shopping and some dinner at the food court before we made our way to the festival place and seeing Miss Kalamazoo Pride receive her crown. Soon after, Darren made their way down the runway and danced like crazy. Carol yelled at us to drink Sparkleberry, which turns out to be good, and then she introduced us all to Sutton Lee Seymour. She was an amazing performer who gave us renditions of songs from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Chicago, and some of Disney’s most popular songs. She was so great and let us get photos with here; I was so happy. After Sutton’s performance, I was treated to like, my first concert from a local 80’s cover band, Hair Mania.

The next day was an amazing whirlwind of free swag and buying stuff alike. I had my first bottle of Smirnoff that wasn’t vodka in public; I can’t find their blueberry lemonade literally anywhere. I got my mom this bombass shot glass quoting Glinda from The Wizard of Oz. We listened to Gretchen Whitmer speak about her dreams for state and I would love to see them come true. It was a little fantastic hearing someone in person talk about how they want to help things for a better view of the world. Kellogg’s had a booth and was crazy generous handing out whole packages of food to the people in attendance. I got my photo taken with both Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam. I was covered in buttons and political stickers stating my support for Whitmer, Jon Hoadley, Planned Parenthood and gay literature. Darren and Carol came back to dance with the other wonderful woman whose name I can’t remember to the musical stylings of DJ Dazzleship. Then Cazwell came out and I really got into it; like, I don’t go for his musical style ever, but he was great. He helped design the lace romper for men! And afterwards, Jinkx Monsoon came out and I screamed so goddamn much. She was amazing and I loved her and we were so close to the stage and I couldn’t handle it; I was making so much eye contact with Jinkx freaking Monsoon and I was having the best time. Everyone really wanted to see her in person, but she had a five am flight.

I was so happy to be surrounded  by people of the same mindset. Everyone was there to be around people like them. I mean, I’m not gay per se, but as an asexual, I felt welcome there. I had a wonderful time; if you wanna see photos, let me know.

i’m cool for this summer

I have been away from my computer since I’ve been home from LeaderShape. Basically working every day and watching the hell outta Supernatural on Netflix; I am almost through season twelve and I’m very upset with some of the unnecessary deaths this show has put forward.

When I woke up, the normal good morning message wasn’t on my phone, so I thought I’d send my own.

good morning! I hope you have a great day!

sorry. can’t talk right now. in lab at the moment.

I flipped my phone over and rolled off of my side of what was once our bed. He told me to keep it for when he’d visit, but my bed had been only slept in by me for almost a month now. Our apartment was set up with nearly two of everything. I stood at one of the two sinks in our bathroom and looked myself over in the wall-length mirror. I gently pulled on the skin under my eyes and let my face snap back in place. Nevertheless, I got ready for my day and the classes I had. Even after my shower, there was nothing. I could almost curse Owen.

Before I start feeling needy and helpless, I support Owen and his education, but I feel like he and I are separating and drifting apart. I could show up at any time, but I don’t want to ever piss him off. He knew that if he’d do it, he might end up barbecued or maybe in space. We’re six months into this new joint life of ours, but he technically doesn’t even live in the same apartment as me. He’s learning for his career. It’s not like there’s nothing that I can do. I was literally and figuratively powerful. I could do what I wanted.

My neighbor eyed me I locked the front door. I didn’t know his name and he didn’t know mine, but he just stared at me.

“Can I help you?” I asked him, slipping my keys into my bag.

“I was just wondering what happened to the other guy who lived here.”

“He’s at school in a different city.”

This guy fell against his door and kept his eyes on me. His eyes were unsettling.

“If you ever wanna hang out with someone for the night, you know where to find me.”

He pushed his earbuds in and walked out of the hall before me. When I saw he was gone, I slowly ran a hand against his door and heard a series of clicks from the door handle. I threw my bag over my shoulder and walked out of the apartment complex. I typed out a quick message to Owen.

i just destroyed some guy’s door because he asked to spend the night with me.

can i ask how…?

i touched it. he pissed me off.

Welcome to your new life: The last six days have been a trip.

I was nominated for this event through my University by my success coach at CMU and I barely even read the email when I first got it in March. I didn’t understand the gist of what it was talking about, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t apply in time for the “priority” processing. But, my co-president told me that he was accepted and there were still open spaces. So, I applied to the Leadershape Institute through CMU.

I arrived in Albion on Sunday, scared af because I am the worst person at meeting new people because I am a quiet introvert. And then Jason’s roommate for the week asks me how I watch the Star Wars series and then we got into a weird debate about it. And then I was thrust into the Gold Institute and got to what they called the Learning Community where we met Raja, Claudia, and the rest of the faculty. I was asked to find a high five buddy and arrange myself with the rest of the group by birthday and by shoe size and even by where I came from in the world. Then we did some discussions and were released to dinner, but had to come back and we were put into family clusters. They were these groups of random students with one faculty member and mine got to meet on the fourth floor of this building; stairs were hella prevalent on this campus and after a few days of it, I didn’t feel like I was going to die anymore. The first night, I went into my history of my life at CMU and weirdly enough, like, all these people were extremely supportive of everything I had to say, even Cluster Dad Zak with the resting bitch face.

Challenge courses were… interesting. I didn’t do much except for play with a giant beach ball and a parachute. The Gold Institute launched tf out of a rubber chicken. But aside from the fun stuff, we were taught about the value of people and teams. I went to this Institute to learn how to be more confident and not actually care about whether or not I could speak in front of people and fear judgement. I’m very soft-spoken and full of self-doubt and definitely capitalize on the self-deprecating humor. I came into this looking for information on how I can get past this stuff and actually lead better in my group on campus. So, through the week, I performed in front of like sixty-ish people, I spoke into a microphone multiple times, offered input on how my campus could change, and even hugged someone I only knew for a week. I shared my vision with all these people and wasn’t even judged for it.

The best part of this week, though, was the family cluster. We have gushed to each other all week and came to be such a supportive group of people. And it’s weird for me to trust people with all the shit I’ve gone through, but I came to trust my Cluster Dad, Zak, because he basically put everything on the table and I felt like it was okay for me to do the same; honestly, I have thanked him so many times this week, I think he’s getting tired of hearing it from me, but this was so huge for me and I just feel so thankful for everything he did for the Jam Fam. Michael and Moriah did the same. Johnnie, Connor, Karissa, Maria, and Brianna all did the same and were so welcoming to everything I said even if my life didn’t line up with theirs. I was told so many things about myself that I don’t ever want to see because I keep hiding within myself. Last night, everyone was so fucking candid and I couldn’t even make eye contact with anyone because I would get so emotional; I am just thankful that Zak did it for us.

I am so ready for my final semester to come so I can enact everything that I have learned this week. I want to use this knowledge toward my group. I want to use this knowledge in my life. I cannot wait to meet back up with my family and see how the rest of this year treated them. I want to know how classes go, I want to know how Safari goes for the new guides, or even how the Leadership office works. I’m gonna thank all of you again and again.

can i go study in kamar-taj?

The semester is winding down again and I’ve only got like, two weeks left of my senior year here at CMU. I’ve got one more semester, so would that classify me as a fifth year student even if I’m only taking half of the year? I don’t know and my eye is twitching.

I’ve got two papers and two presentations and I wanna fucking push them out of the way because I don’t want to do them at all. I’ve gotta compare like, three documentaries and I’ve got five days to do it as of now along with the other paper/presentation where I’ve gotta write 2400 words on a damn hole in the sidewalk. Send help. Send me a ghost writer. Find me documentaries I actually wanna watch; I was thinking The Life and Times of Harvey Milk, Bridegroom, and then some really recent movie about LGBT rights here in the U.S. For some reason, in my papers, I wanna do a sort of chronological timeline kind of thing and this time, it’s more about the rights of our gay citizens here. BUT HOW AM I GONNA WRITE LIKE, EIGHT PAGES ABOUT A HOLE? Damn you, Weinstock; you’re gonna be the death of me. But I’m currently just sitting here watching Luke Cage on Netflix because I never finished it when it premiered, but I finished Iron Fist today and I’ve gotta finish them all before The Defenders (Jessica for life, y’all.). I’ve also seen Rogue One twice this month and Doctor Strange is great with that Disney Anywhere app.

On the note of the semester winding down, graduation is coming up for some people. My best friend since freshman year has been accepted to graduate school in Alabama, bless his heart; I’m so proud of him and he’ll probably know that for as long as we live. But then there’s this guy that I’ve come to know and he’s probably tired of me talking about him here, but I don’t really care? He’s graduating and I’m proud of him too for being probably the smartest and most awkward person I know and that’s one of the reasons I like him so much. But we haven’t done anything to advance whatever the fuck we’re doing and it sucks and we haven’t actually discussed where this is going, but I digress I guess; I just really wanna give him his Comic Con gift I bought.

That was cool too! I went to Comic Con in Indianapolis for the third year in a row! I met Charlie Fucking Cox and he was delightfully British and he loved my shirt. So, I have this fascination with Stardust and it’s probably one of the best romances I’ve seen and he’s in it as Tristan Thorn and my last name is that, but it has an ‘E’, so I had this shirt made that said “Team Thorn(e)” and he said it was the best things he’s seen. I got a photo of my family with my fourth favorite Batman, Val Kilmer. I bought like, seven more pieces of nerdtastic art and I’m ready to move into my own apartment.

I’m not ready to go back to work. I don’t want to mingle with customers and the general public; I’m kind of tired of it? But I need to save my money so I can try and move out of my family home when I graduate which kind of sucks, but like I told my mom today, I don’t really wanna drive from my house to Detroit (if I land a job in publishing there). But I also need a new iPad. Will someone buy one for me?

Deep Breathing

it looks kind of not good

so, if you didn’t pick up on it, i’m still going. have fun reading.

Imagine this: a college student in his last semester, sitting at a desk that’s actually organized and the books are neatly stacked on their ends and the notebooks are in a wire box, but the student isn’t doing homework for once in his life. No, he’s staring at the computer screen waiting for him to sign in online. He refreshed the video chat service until he thought he saw the green dot show up. That’s my life.

Another night of the week, another few hours that I waited to see him for just a few minutes. Long distance was killing me. I refreshed my friends list again, once and twice more and finally saw what I was looking for. Next to the screenname, WildeThing, an online notification had popped up and I clicked the call button before he went away again.

“Hey, glad to catch you!” I said with a laugh.

He smiled and checked his phone’s time. He looked flustered and exhausted.

“Unfortunately, I can’t stay too long. I’ve got an early morning meeting tomorrow with my advisor tomorrow. How was your day? How did the exam go?”

“It went fine, I guess. Thanks for your help last week. How were classes?”

“They were great. I learned so much more than I thought I could. It’s weird to actually learn things.”

I cocked my head and smiled again. “It’s nice to see you again. We need to this more.”

“I know, I know. Our schedules don’t match up very well anymore, but did they ever?”

“Yeah, but it was a hell of a lot easier when we went to the same school.”

He took a deep breath. “I know, but that’s what happens. That’s why we have video chatting and cell phones? If we hung up right now, I’d be texting you before we went to sleep. And you have a car! Come see me.”

“Last time I came to see you, you mostly did homework the entire time I was there.”

“I’m free this weekend. Completely free. I’ll even pay for gas.”

“Do you promise? You and I are gonna spend time together with no classwork between us?”

“I promise,” he checked his phone again, “I’ve gotta go to bed.”

“Okay. I’ll call or text you tomorrow?”

“Both. I love you.”

“Love you.”

The video screen went blank and I shut my computer down and climbed into bed. I held my phone in front of my face and typed a message to him, but there was no reply before I closed my eyes.

so, before you ask, i’ve already written the next like, piece to this and that’s where you’ll see when this is set up. and if you check the folders, you’ll know who the characters are.

the end. or is it? i dunno.

Alright, so I’ve finished the main part of this. So, it’s like, I’m not writing up to Ezra’s dreams.

Owen and I lost touch with Mason and Gavin when they decided to move out on their own. Owen and I consolidated our items and we moved from our bedroom to a two, even if we shared a room half of the time, but it ended up being more than that; the second room became on office for homework and ideas.

Owen took some time to understand my life, just like my parents had, but after a few weeks, he’d settled down like we were living the plot of Bewitched. He and I took trips without stepping in a car and I didn’t ever physically touch a single chore. Owen was fine with it. He came to terms with me and did the same with us.