Welcome to your new life: The last six days have been a trip.

I was nominated for this event through my University by my success coach at CMU and I barely even read the email when I first got it in March. I didn’t understand the gist of what it was talking about, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t apply in time for the “priority” processing. But, my co-president told me that he was accepted and there were still open spaces. So, I applied to the Leadershape Institute through CMU.

I arrived in Albion on Sunday, scared af because I am the worst person at meeting new people because I am a quiet introvert. And then Jason’s roommate for the week asks me how I watch the Star Wars series and then we got into a weird debate about it. And then I was thrust into the Gold Institute and got to what they called the Learning Community where we met Raja, Claudia, and the rest of the faculty. I was asked to find a high five buddy and arrange myself with the rest of the group by birthday and by shoe size and even by where I came from in the world. Then we did some discussions and were released to dinner, but had to come back and we were put into family clusters. They were these groups of random students with one faculty member and mine got to meet on the fourth floor of this building; stairs were hella prevalent on this campus and after a few days of it, I didn’t feel like I was going to die anymore. The first night, I went into my history of my life at CMU and weirdly enough, like, all these people were extremely supportive of everything I had to say, even Cluster Dad Zak with the resting bitch face.

Challenge courses were… interesting. I didn’t do much except for play with a giant beach ball and a parachute. The Gold Institute launched tf out of a rubber chicken. But aside from the fun stuff, we were taught about the value of people and teams. I went to this Institute to learn how to be more confident and not actually care about whether or not I could speak in front of people and fear judgement. I’m very soft-spoken and full of self-doubt and definitely capitalize on the self-deprecating humor. I came into this looking for information on how I can get past this stuff and actually lead better in my group on campus. So, through the week, I performed in front of like sixty-ish people, I spoke into a microphone multiple times, offered input on how my campus could change, and even hugged someone I only knew for a week. I shared my vision with all these people and wasn’t even judged for it.

The best part of this week, though, was the family cluster. We have gushed to each other all week and came to be such a supportive group of people. And it’s weird for me to trust people with all the shit I’ve gone through, but I came to trust my Cluster Dad, Zak, because he basically put everything on the table and I felt like it was okay for me to do the same; honestly, I have thanked him so many times this week, I think he’s getting tired of hearing it from me, but this was so huge for me and I just feel so thankful for everything he did for the Jam Fam. Michael and Moriah did the same. Johnnie, Connor, Karissa, Maria, and Brianna all did the same and were so welcoming to everything I said even if my life didn’t line up with theirs. I was told so many things about myself that I don’t ever want to see because I keep hiding within myself. Last night, everyone was so fucking candid and I couldn’t even make eye contact with anyone because I would get so emotional; I am just thankful that Zak did it for us.

I am so ready for my final semester to come so I can enact everything that I have learned this week. I want to use this knowledge toward my group. I want to use this knowledge in my life. I cannot wait to meet back up with my family and see how the rest of this year treated them. I want to know how classes go, I want to know how Safari goes for the new guides, or even how the Leadership office works. I’m gonna thank all of you again and again.

can i go study in kamar-taj?

The semester is winding down again and I’ve only got like, two weeks left of my senior year here at CMU. I’ve got one more semester, so would that classify me as a fifth year student even if I’m only taking half of the year? I don’t know and my eye is twitching.

I’ve got two papers and two presentations and I wanna fucking push them out of the way because I don’t want to do them at all. I’ve gotta compare like, three documentaries and I’ve got five days to do it as of now along with the other paper/presentation where I’ve gotta write 2400 words on a damn hole in the sidewalk. Send help. Send me a ghost writer. Find me documentaries I actually wanna watch; I was thinking The Life and Times of Harvey Milk, Bridegroom, and then some really recent movie about LGBT rights here in the U.S. For some reason, in my papers, I wanna do a sort of chronological timeline kind of thing and this time, it’s more about the rights of our gay citizens here. BUT HOW AM I GONNA WRITE LIKE, EIGHT PAGES ABOUT A HOLE? Damn you, Weinstock; you’re gonna be the death of me. But I’m currently just sitting here watching Luke Cage on Netflix because I never finished it when it premiered, but I finished Iron Fist today and I’ve gotta finish them all before The Defenders (Jessica for life, y’all.). I’ve also seen Rogue One twice this month and Doctor Strange is great with that Disney Anywhere app.

On the note of the semester winding down, graduation is coming up for some people. My best friend since freshman year has been accepted to graduate school in Alabama, bless his heart; I’m so proud of him and he’ll probably know that for as long as we live. But then there’s this guy that I’ve come to know and he’s probably tired of me talking about him here, but I don’t really care? He’s graduating and I’m proud of him too for being probably the smartest and most awkward person I know and that’s one of the reasons I like him so much. But we haven’t done anything to advance whatever the fuck we’re doing and it sucks and we haven’t actually discussed where this is going, but I digress I guess; I just really wanna give him his Comic Con gift I bought.

That was cool too! I went to Comic Con in Indianapolis for the third year in a row! I met Charlie Fucking Cox and he was delightfully British and he loved my shirt. So, I have this fascination with Stardust and it’s probably one of the best romances I’ve seen and he’s in it as Tristan Thorn and my last name is that, but it has an ‘E’, so I had this shirt made that said “Team Thorn(e)” and he said it was the best things he’s seen. I got a photo of my family with my fourth favorite Batman, Val Kilmer. I bought like, seven more pieces of nerdtastic art and I’m ready to move into my own apartment.

I’m not ready to go back to work. I don’t want to mingle with customers and the general public; I’m kind of tired of it? But I need to save my money so I can try and move out of my family home when I graduate which kind of sucks, but like I told my mom today, I don’t really wanna drive from my house to Detroit (if I land a job in publishing there). But I also need a new iPad. Will someone buy one for me?

Deep Breathing

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? thanks, pocahontas 2.

So, like, I’m still awake because I’m just watching my seventeenth episode of UNHhhh of the night; it’s so good and Trixie Mattel and I are on the same wavelength. Alright, but my life is spiraling out of control because the end of the semester is coming and oh my god, I don’t want it. With the end of this semester coming, I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE LEFT OF MY COLLEGE EDUCATION. I literally cannot handle what’s happening.

I applied for graduation today… yesterday… it’s not a new day until I wake up, so fuck you. So, my friend is like, “Did you think that you just did your classes and then graduate?” Honestly? Partially. I don’t know why I have to apply to graduate; that’s stupid. But the other half of the things, I just didn’t know the deadline was (looks at calendar and clock) technically in nine days. I’m not dumb, I’m just confused. Why stress me out with this? And then I’m like, let’s look at fuckin’ jobs after graduation! I could do community college for teaching BUT, I could also apply for publication jobs where I’m actively using my degree! The only major publication jobs in this dumb state are in Detroit and I am not sure at the moment on whether I want to do that…

I started my screenplay! I’m adapting the short story “By the Waters of Babylon” for my class, so that’s trip. I don’t wanna do it. But it’s an assignment. SPEAKING OF ASSIGNMENTS, I also have to write a paper of African American Cinema, a paper comparing documentaries, and a paper that is literally about a hole. Someone do these for me, please. Just give me that diploma now; I’d honestly rather graduate with this current class here right now instead of in December.

And then my club’s having Pride Prom this month? I wanna go, but I feel like if I ask, you might not say yes? Well, I mean, there’s a way I wanna ask, so be surprised. But I also don’t know your feelings on the matter anymore, so I’m gonna say that I inserted that emoji of the face that’s upside down and smiling. I’m fine. 😀 I still really haven’t been hugged.

thanks for making my life good

I want to write, but I have no clue anymore. I usually write when I’m stressed or something traumatic happens in my personal life, but it hasn’t been like that lately. I have an ongoing project here in my writing folder, the android piece. That doesn’t seem too hard or sad, but I’m just not motivated.

A year ago, I had so many ideas because my life was fucked. I was not happy. I was afraid to even talk to the guy I lived with and spent many a day being silent in my own bedroom. I watched Netflix by myself and did homework. I didn’t really talk to anybody except for my friend from my freshman year. I feel like I keep talking about this, but it’s also good to talk about the negative parts in your life. I’ve removed the toxicity with a squeegee like a sludge.

Today, I chatted up my friend, the co-president of my group and I couldn’t stop smiling because our conversation went downhill quickly. Tonight, I wore a passion peel off because it’s good to treat yourself. Yesterday, I took an adventure through this town with one of the best people I know and someone I really like. I went to Relay for Life this past weekend and did wonderful charity work with some great people. I’m going to Ihop, the best place on Earth, with amazing people, and one of them is that special person. They know I talk about them here because they read everything I write that isn’t fiction; shout out to you, you know how I feel.

I went to Chicago last month to go to a conference because I was lucky enough to be asked to go. I’m a board member for my on-campus group where I have made my circle of friends bigger. I’m exercising more and eating less and doing more things things that make me happy. WOW. It feels good to be happy! WHO KNEW?

call me belle

I love exploring this town. I love it even more knowing that I’ve been here for four years now and I haven’t done hardly anything. I was in the corner of my campus today, yelling out “I don’t know where I am!” And it’s so weird because this is almost a whole year after I actually started writing here. That weird gentle weekend is coming up at the end of this week.

But what am I going to do this weekend? Honestly, I’d love to explore this town some more with you while you show me where to go and what we could do here in Mount Pleasant. I’ve never actually walked to Mission Street before because I go everywhere by car, but it’s different when I’m interested in like, the only person who walks and bikes anywhere. Show me what to do. Get me out of the driver’s seat of my tiny batmobile.

Just don’t talk to me about the future yet because I still don’t know what’s happening in the now and don’t want to lose it before this summer comes. But I also want hugs. Please. I want to be affectionate. I hope when you read this, you find it endearing and hilarious and you do that thing where you laugh into your elbow.

prescribe hugs

I mean, I’m fine. These are a legitimate medicine that release chemicals in the brain to stabilize moods and emotions.

I don’t know what I’ve been doing today. I’ve been watching some of the more romantic Disney films because I’m a connoisseur of them, even if I had only seen 2015’s Cinderella for the first time today; it was good, quite lovely, and even though they were in the end credits, I was happy to hear “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” and “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo”. There was Mulan and I was going to watch Zootopia, but that seemed too torturous at the moment, only because I’ve seen it like, seventeen times and for other reasons. I was going to watch Anastasia for like, the first time all the way through because that seemed romantic enough. But then I watched like, half an hour of Fantastic Beasts because I love Newt with all of my Hufflepuff heart.

But I mean, I laid in bed drifting in and out of sleep since I went to lunch. I mean, where was my motivation? Probably on a shelf in Newt’s case. I mean, if you told me to listen to Beauty and the Beast for the eight billionth time, I’d probably sing “Evermore” four times and then move on to “Something There”. And I mean, today, I just feel the self-doubting and anxious side of me coming through. Yesterday, I was happy as fuck and today, I feel like I’m just floating or like, completely stationary. So, maybe in lieu of a hug, I might go exercise tonight and try doing yoga to balance myself out. I’ve been having a very good streak and I don’t want one stupid aspect of my personality to ruin it for me.

what i like about you

  1. You really know how to dance
  2. Your laugh is infectious 
  3. When you do laugh, you might be the only one laughing and that’s far from the issue
  4. Another thing about your laugh is that you try to hide it in your elbow like a sneeze
  5. You get flustered and it’s pretty funny
  6. You do have a really nice smile
  7. You’re passionate about what you know
  8. You’re smart as hell
  9. You have no problem teaching an impromptu lesson to anybody
  10. You’re a dork, but like, in a good way
  11. You use memes in your speech
  12. You make for a good photograph
  13. You’re young at heart
  14. You’re very shady
  15. You’re very kind
  16. You seem to enjoy me