what i like about you

  1. You really know how to dance
  2. Your laugh is infectious 
  3. When you do laugh, you might be the only one laughing and that’s far from the issue
  4. Another thing about your laugh is that you try to hide it in your elbow like a sneeze
  5. You get flustered and it’s pretty funny
  6. You do have a really nice smile
  7. You’re passionate about what you know
  8. You’re smart as hell
  9. You have no problem teaching an impromptu lesson to anybody
  10. You’re a dork, but like, in a good way
  11. You use memes in your speech
  12. You make for a good photograph
  13. You’re young at heart
  14. You’re very shady
  15. You’re very kind
  16. You seem to enjoy me
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this night though

I’m trying to keep my mind off of some stuff that is really stressing me out. I’m fine. I’ll be good. I’ll get through it. I decided to write my feelings instead of passing out for untold hours.

I woke up with my face flat in the pillow and a spot of dried drool on my cheek. I had nearly forgotten where I was until I saw the faded green paint of my bedroom at home. I heard the sound of something frying on the stovetop and the washing machine rumbling downstairs and I pushed off of the bed and sat, scratching my head. I rubbed my eyes and glanced all around me, taking in the familiar scene of the room where I grew up. Finally, my eyes fell the stuffed cat that ended up by my blanketed feet. I remembered the dream that I had where I completely snapped and I shuddered at the thought. I grabbed the toy by the tail and threw it at the wall away from me. I couldn’t see it right now and I didn’t even want it near me.

Like any young adult, before I even got up to pee, I looked over my phone and the events that transpired through the night. I had received three text messages for every hour I was asleep and a grand total of fourteen calls. The majority were from Owen, but the rest were from Gavin and Mason asking where I was for Owen. I left a read receipt on every one and listened to the voicemails, deleting each one after they were finished. And for the day, I turned my phone off. I wasn’t going to be bothered with cries for forgiveness if there even were any; I didn’t care to read the texts. I was here with my family who actually seemed to accept me for who I was.

I didn’t shower, but I just wanted to eat breakfast. I padded through my bedroom and down the carpeted stairs, tightening the drawstring of my sleep pants as I descended to meet with my family. Mom stood at the stove, dressed in business attire with her hair in a tight bun; she worked in an office. His father was seated at our kitchen table with a steaming mug of coffee and the morning newspaper because we actually subscribed to it. He was wearing a cheap suit ready for his own job in a different office across town. He looked over his paper and smiled at me.

“Good morning, Ezra. Glad to see you up so soon,” he said.

“I didn’t sleep well.”

“We heard. Are you alright?”

Their eyes fell on me as I scratched my head and had a cup of coffee poured and creamer poured in. They just watched as it basically floated from the countertop to my placemat on the table.

“I mean, I’ll live. Mom, don’t you want to sit down?” I waved two fingers and the chair across from Dad slid over the floor, the pan of bacon had begun to flip itself, and her cup of tea had been poured. Mom stared for a moment before she took her seat.

“What are your plans for today, Ezra?” she asked.

“I’m not sure yet,” I replied, “I just don’t know when I’m going to go home.”

“What happened? Are you going to tell us?” Dad asked me.

I told them both even further than what had said the day before. This time, I didn’t leave out Owen’s feelings and how I had personally scared him away with what I could do. They didn’t blame either of us, but they also didn’t side with Owen or myself. My parents believed that what had happened was unexplainable and wrong on a few different levels. I almost couldn’t focus on what was said because my mind was with him.

… … …

I was never afraid of Ezra before now. I never thought that the guy I’ve spent almost four full years of my life with could hide something so huge from me, I can barely stand it. I understand that Ezra held this secret so deep inside, but I thought we were closer than this. Did he think that because I’m a different and regular guy that I couldn’t handle this? I’ve seen movies. I’ve seen TV. I am sidekick. Ezra trusted me and I threw it back at him. I mean, there must have been a different way for him to come out with it, but he didn’t deserve the way that I treated him. I still love him though.

no one’s asking, but i’m telling

So, I mean, if there’s anything that anyone wanted to know about me, I’ll try to cover as many bases as possible.

  1. I’m 354 years old. Nah, I’m 21, but could you imagine if I were?
  2. I have one sibling.
  3. Both of my parents are together.
  4. I hate both of my jobs, but I do them because I need money.
  5. I am prone to intense sadness, situational depression, if you will. But I haven’t felt it since like, a year ago.
  6. I have very low self-confidence.
  7. I have very high self-confidence.
  8. I am the ruler of Hell most days.
  9. I fixate. Mainly on TV shows and get a little obsessive over them. When I started Supernatural, no one could deal with me.
  10. I am like, five ten, and my brother is taller than I am. He’s currently sixteen.
  11. With my weight, when I broke my big toe in like, sixth grade, the doctors told me that my growth plates in my feet had closed because my hormones were out of whack. That is why I’m shorter than my brother.
  12. I like food.
  13. Because of my like of food, I have struggled with weight for like, most of my life.
  14. I don’t like my weight, my mouth, the fact that I wear glasses, or even the skin on my face.
  15. When I was in fifth grade, I went to Dan “The Beast” Severn’s kick-boxing classes to lose weight. My dad went with me.
  16. I have used, and am using, fat burning pills.
  17. I usually fluctuate with how often I exercise because I get lazy and don’t feel like it.
  18. I’m exercising not just for myself, but to make better impressions on people.
  19. I exercise best with Disney music and Alaska Thunderfuck 5000.
  20. I don’t talk to half of my family most often because they don’t agree with my views and try to push theirs on other people.
  21. I also said very bad things about some of these people and we got into a huge fight about it.
  22. I’m a Hufflepuff.
  23. Like, I really enjoy making friends.
  24. I have said things about people without them knowing it.
  25. I try not to do what I’ve said in 24.
  26. I’m not gay.
  27. I’m not straight, either.
  28. I am asexual and I’m interested in both men and women romantically.
  29. Because of my sexuality, I have found a group on the CMU campus that helps to express myself and I serve as one of the Public Relations chairpersons.
  30. I have only ever had feelings for three people in my life.
  31. I currently have feelings for someone now. They are the third person.
  32. I’m being kind of very obvious with this person and that isn’t a good thing because I don’t know how to do this kind of thing. I really don’t want to push it.
  33. I paint my nails often, not only because I like it, but because I had cellulitis in both middle fingers from biting my nails. The polish keeps me from doing that.
  34. I live on campus in my senior year, and even next semester, because I don’t save enough money to live off-campus.
  35. I am an impulse spender.
  36. I kind of don’t like my roommates now. I can tolerate them, but it isn’t on a level of liking them.
  37. I still haven’t decided what I’m doing with my life.
  38. I am currently writing a book, but it has been about three and a half years since I started.
  39. I’m also working on the projects that I post here to my blog.
  40. I also think I wanna go into teaching after I graduate.
  41. I also might be working at Meijer for a few years.
  42. I’m too poor and my grades aren’t good enough for grad school. I also have no motivation for it.
  43. I believe in women’s rights, trans rights, LGBTQ+ rights, pro-choice rights, and basic human rights for everybody.
  44. I watch movies of all sorts because I’m not only interested in them, but I am a cinema studies minor.
  45. I have run out of things to talk about.

i left my heart in chicago

Did I really leave my heart in Chicago? There’s still something pumping the minimal amount of blood through my body even if the thing’s been useless for a while. This weekend, it woke up though from its deep slumber while I experienced life worth living at this most beautiful conference, MBLGTACC, and I opened my eyes to new and hopeful possibilities. I also don’t know how to use my own emotions, so I’m kind of fucked. Like, they’re in here somewhere if I poke around a little bit and pull them out of the cave they’re hiding in. I was inspired by the scenery and the things I saw to write a quick snippet of something I thought was one of the more pleasing things I’ve written.I thought maybe Ezra and Owen could be the he and the speaker, but I haven’t decided yet.

He sat there with sun streaming in through the dirtied glass window. The fingerprints bothered him as he watched the world below him and the water of the immensely large lake rippled in the wind, a gentle breeze. People scattered as they made their way to their respective destinations, shuffling over the city sidewalk in hordes, but his face did not change. He stayed emotionless as I watched him from the side, studying his profile. He did not look at me, but he did acknowledge my presence. I was proud to be next to him, gently taking his hand in mine as he gripped it tighter. I watched the world below just like he did and I felt safe, loved, and at peace with everything that we were. And we stood there as people passed, stopped, stared. We just basked in the sun, lucky to be here another day.

good night.

leslie

I know I’ve used this gif before, but it seems like fun and it’s a little relevant. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE I HAVE A HEART.