a dream is a wish your heart makes

alright. i saw a documentary for class called the celluloid closet narrated by lily tomlin: great movie, watch it. in the film, they describe movies in the earlier times of hollywood as only using their lgtbq+ characters as villains are as the crazy people. that will not be this. this is just a dream sequence.

I didn’t want to wake up from my dream. And I knew it was a dream because I was in charge of more than my own life. I felt like a villain, but who even wants to be the villain when there are alternatives. I’ve learned through movies and books that being evil gets you places, even if there will be a driving force barreling at you, ready to take you out in any way possible. But even when you’re the villain, you have a few good years until the time comes that you’ll be dethroned.

I was walking down the sidewalk, just like my normal days back on campus. It was like an out of body experience and I was watching myself stroll leisurely on my way. I walked with courage and confidence, even dressed with an overpriced fabric thing that reminded me of a cape. My hair was a mess and I wore dark sunglasses, but I also donned a smirk. I waited to see what my auto-piloted body would do. And things happened. I flourished my hands in ways I’d never done before and the sidewalk in front of me cleared. By cleared, I mean students thrown. They were tumbling to lawn on the left and falling down hard on the road to the right, causing oncoming cars to swerve out of their direct path as they hit the street. People looked at me. They stared, trying to figure out what had even happened, but their eyes all came right to me. One guy, a bigger frat boy, came charging at me once he got to his feet. With both hands, I gently lifted him from the ground and whipped his body at the closest tree, watching him go limp as he landed on the grass once again. That’s when the screaming started.

“You need to realize that there’s nothing you can do,” I said in a calm voice. After I closed my mouth, though, a rock came soaring toward me; a quick flick of the wrist had it shooting back to the girl it had come from, causing her to bleed even more than she had been.

“It’s not like I actually care,” I said, continuing my walk. Anyone dialing phones had lost them, screens smashed on the pavement. For the added pleasure of invoking fear, I snapped and disappeared in my cloud of black smoke. Wherever I’d land, I’d keep wreaking havoc because havoc called my name.

Owen was waiting in our living room when I appeared, spreading what seemed like soot everywhere. He was watching TV and currently the local news channel was broadcasting something about me. He looked almost distraught, but very confused. He immediately tried to change the channel to something less incriminating of me, but I put it back because I didn’t have a problem with it.

“Ezra, what did you do? What happened?”

I took my sunglasses off and looked directly in his eyes. “Owen, I didn’t apologize for being different. That’s what happened.”

“So you killed someone? That’s what you felt like doing now that you came to terms with whatever the hell you can actually do? Ezra, this is serious!”

Owen pushed himself out his chair and he gently held on to my shoulders. I eyed both hands one at a time and slowly slipped out of his grip and replaced my sunglasses and I gave a gave small shove without even touching him.

“Owen, it’s not like I don’t have feelings for you, but at this moment, I’m not really feeling it. I’m tired of hiding. If you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you be too?”

“But, Ezra,” he was almost crying as he spoke, “you don’t have to be the bad guy. You didn’t have to do what you did. There’s a reason why I love you, but your… abilities, they aren’t it. I love you for your kindness and your caring heart, Ezra. This isn’t you.”

“Owen, what if I was meant to be the villain? You don’t know what it’s like living with these powers. You really think that the first thing I want to do is help people? Haven’t you ever wondered what you would do if you were ever Darth Fucking Vader? I’m basically him, minus the robot body and unbeatable sword!”

Owen whispered something that I couldn’t hear.

“What did you say?” With caution, I pulled him close, his feet dragging across the carpet. “Tell me what you whispered.”

He didn’t make eye contact. “I said that I’ve never seen Star Wars.”

With a quick whip, I threw him to the couch. “You don’t have to know the entire franchise to know one goddamn character.”

Owen didn’t speak. His eyes were wide and filled to the brim with horror.

“Don’t look at like that. If I actually wanted to hurt you, there’s a perfectly good refrigerator that probably wouldn’t have been dented if I threw you at it.”

Just as if it were planned, Gavin and Mason opened the front door, talking about the things they heard about me. They stopped when their eyes fell on me, standing in the middle of the room with a frightened Owen cowering on the couch.

“You know, I always hated you two,” I groaned.

Before they could speak, both were falling over the apartment’s doorway balcony. Owen stayed put while I inspected the scene. Gavin was still, but Mason was trying to crawl away with an open wound on the side of his head and visible scrapes from the parking lot pavement as he tried to pull himself away. He wasn’t going to get anywhere, so I left.

“There’s really nothing else I wanna do here, Owen. I’m out. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I know for sure that I am all set,” a bag slid across the floor from my bedroom and stopped at me feet, “and if you hate me now, I’m sorry. Honestly, I think I love you, but we’re now going in two different directions and I don’t want you around. I don’t want you to remind me of things that I could have had if I stayed in hiding. I’m going to miss you, but I’m going back to being alone. Don’t worry about me.”

Owen stayed quiet, but tears streamed down his face. Before he could get up again, I was gone. And that was it.

I woke up in a tangle of blankets in my bed at home with pillows strewn across my room and my hair matted in sweaty knots. My bed was uneven and crooked. With a dip of my head, I peered below and pulled out a worn, stuffed cat Owen had bought me for Christmas in our second year. I tugged a sheet over my topless body and squeezed the cat tight to my chest and held on until I fell back into an uncomfortable sleep.

carrie-3

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breakdown, part two

i wrote this one tonight. the other one was basically all done, i just had to finish it up. i also felt two gifs were useful because what ezra does is kind of like him walking away from an huge explosion.

Owen knew. He knew and he avoided me because he probably knew that the things I could do could hurt him. I only decided to tell him what I could do because I fucking trust him. I decided to tell him about what I could do because I wouldn’t hurt him. I trusted him and thought that he could be open to learning the ultimate secret about me. But no, let’s all just fucking run away from Ezra because he’s a freak, because he’s different. He probably thinks that I’m inhuman and I’m afraid that the Witch Trials would begin again over trusting.

From what I know, Owen didn’t tell Mason or Gavin anything because they still acted the same around me, borderline dickish and uneventful, but I didn’t care enough about them to discuss my personal life. If they were lucky to stay on my good side, they wouldn’t drown in their cereal bowls. Owen didn’t in fact deserve to know about me if I knew he’d come around and treat me like an abomination.

With an early morning wakeup, I got myself ready before the break of dawn. I was the first to use the hot water in the shower this time and I kept my hair longer when I dried it, pulling it back into a messy bun; I looked fucking grunge like a young warlock probably should. I looked like I could fucking snap, and with a snap, I sat on Owen’s couch with my legs crossed, picking at my own fingernails in the dark.

“Wake up, Owen.”

Owen stirred, but he rolled over on his side instead.

I tried again, repeating, but my voice nearly vibrated through the room. He sat up quickly and pulled his blanket up over his sleep shirt. He was shocked to even see me at this time, but I had a newfound confidence since I accepted his knowledge.

“What do you want, Ezra? Why the hell are you in here?”

“Because Owen. Because I thought my best friend in the goddamn world, and that is the truth, would actually give me a fucking shot before he wrote me off as a nutcase, a freak, a fucking mutant. Have you ever read Harry Potter? Witches and wizards having babies with regular people? If they can get over enough to fuck and actually love each other, you can treat me like a normal person and actually be my friend again.”

Owen was shocked at my language; I never regularly spoke like this during the time we knew each other. Neither of us knew that I could have a dark side like this, but it was increasing. He opened his mouth to talk, but I held up my hand.

“I’m not finished. I know a secret that I have not yet judged you for. Owen, I know that you love me in a way that I do not feel for you, but since I’ve known, the thought hasn’t left me.”

I could feel the tension between the two of us in this moment. My hands were hot and they were getting hotter. Before I knew it, my skin began to glow red and my hands looked like they belonged to the Human Torch. That is when Owen looked most horrified. I stood in the middle of his bedroom with flaming fingers.

“What the fuck, Ezra?”

“Chill out, Owen. I’ve got this under control.” And with a quick wave, the fires were extinguished and I smirked at him, climbing up on his bed, straddling his . “I have realized that I have potential. I’ve realized that I am powerful, but what you need to realize, Owen, is that in my life, I would never harm you.” I leaned closer to his face and I could make out every freckle that dotted his skin, even in the darkness. I looked in his eyes and I could make out every emotion he was feeling.

“The thought crossed my mind to freeze your door, but I know you have to make it to classes today. The thought also crossed my mind to freeze the pipes in the bathroom. But why freeze? Because of the cold and frigid treatment that you have bestowed upon me. I like you, Owen. I know you love me. I’m not trying to use my abilities on you and I won’t anymore.” It took me a second to process. “I shouldn’t have told you that. Well, I’ve done a couple of things, but I won’t anymore. I won’t do anything except for leave you with these thoughts. I’ll be home for a couple of days; we need a little space for adjustment.”

I snapped my fingers and left behind a cloud of smoke in my place as I had reached my room.

The next day, I felt more liberated than I ever really had before even if I still hadn’t showed off to the whole world, just Owen and we were on the rocks, but he knew. Mason and Gavin were clueless to everything. They didn’t notice my changing appearance or any less, the fact that Owen and I didn’t spend any time in the same space. I was under the assumption he believed I would curse him, but I don’t know curses; I also promised I wouldn’t do anything to him.

I packed a bag of random clothes and textbooks and sent them home where I would follow as soon as possible. I knocked on Owen’s door to no answer. I tied my hair back again and a vase of various flowers appeared on the floor at my feet. And then, with a crack, I was gone. I had decided to tell my parents.

“Mom? Dad?”

No one should have been home, but the door to my bedroom was thrown open by my mother.

“Ezra? When did you get here? How did you get here? Why aren’t you at school?”

My mother wasn’t a paranoid, panicky woman, but when her son has no car and no plans to come home, she was right. She stared at me with wide, confused eyes, waiting for an answer.

“Where’s Dad?”

“He’s downstairs. He didn’t have to work today, but you haven’t actually answered my question, Ezra.”

I took Mom down to where my father was seated. The bewildered look on his face matched his the one on Mom’s and it was close to what Owen gave me. The discussion we had was nowhere near the caliber of my reveal to Owen, but there was shock. I moved furniture from space to space and with a quick wave, I lit the power outage candles that Mom kept on the shelf next to the television. I locked the doors and opened the window curtains. My skin turned purple and my eyes flashed a jade green. My parents did not react like Owen. The two of them embraced my differences with love; it was the only way that I wished Owen would be with me.

anton-chigurh-explodes

breakdown, part one

So, I did in fact write something. This time, it’s a two parter.

Ezra was going to tell Owen. He wasn’t only going to tell Owen that he was gifted in ways that Owen wasn’t but, he was also going to tell him that he was ready to let him know about his own feelings. He’d thought about his life prior to their meeting and he had thought about the more his mind seemed to focus on Owen when he was in the room; he wasn’t sure if it was real, but he thought the room seemed brighter, clichéd as it sounded to him. Through his life, he wanted someone to call a companion, but he was different. He never thought that there could be someone who loved him or anyone he could love in return. His life was complicated, but through his training, Ezra felt more confident and a little more rebellious than he had ever before.

Owen had come home from class in a mood and Ezra could not, or would not, see why. Owen went straight to his room without even saying a simple hello to Ezra, an even bigger warning to him that something was wrong with his best friend. Ezra was quick to push off of the couch and follow Owen, hoping to be quiet.

“Ezra, please leave me alone for a bit,” Owen mumbled, stopped at his door.

“I can’t do that. I’ve gotta make sure that you’re okay.”

Owen turned at the statement, his eyebrow raised. “In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve rarely ever been my protector. Do you remember who took you to dinner not to celebrate, but cheer you up for failing your English midterm last year? And now you’re trying to appoint yourself to fix my problem?”

By then, Owen had opened his door and shrugged off his backpack, finally flopping down on his bed.

“What if I took you to dinner? We could get burritos or something.”

“But burritos are your favorite food.”

“Burritos can be everyone’s favorite food. But in all seriousness,” Ezra sat on the bed, scrunching himself up, “are you going to tell me or at least make it seem like there’s nothing wrong? I want to know if there’s anything that I could do.”

Owen sat up and clutched a pillow to his body. He looked solemn, but his eyes didn’t speak much sadness. He placed his own hand on Ezra’s and meant it this time.

“Tell me about your day.”

Ezra hesitated. It wasn’t his day that he wanted to tell Owen about, instead it was his life. Without looking away from Owen, the bedroom door closed.

“That was weird. Is it drafty in here?” Owen glanced at his window to see if it was open. He stood to open the door again, but Ezra stopped him.

“Leave it and sit back down.”

Owen wasn’t sure where Ezra was going with this, but he did as he was told and Ezra was the one to stand instead.

“I have something to say. You know that I’m awkward and I don’t have a lot of friends other than you and the guys. I rarely talk about my life in high school and I sometimes don’t know how to socialize, but today, I am going to tell you why.”

Ezra stopped talking long enough for Owen to sit back on his bed while Ezra himself paced.

“I’m not normal, Owen.”

“What does that mean? You’re normal. I’m the one who isn’t normal.”

“I know what you’re trying to say, but unfortunately, this isn’t the right time in the conversation. You are the most normal out of the two of us,” Ezra’s heart started to race, “because I can do things that normal people cannot do.”

“Like what? Are you double-jointed? Can you put your leg behind your head?”

“Owen, I need you to be serious right now, please. This is difficult. I can do things that people can’t do.”

“Okay, fine. Show me one of these things that you can do.”

Ezra could sense the lax tone without actively listening for it. He was getting annoyed with Owen’s comments.

“If you want to know, you need to stop talking.”

“I’m sorry,” Owen said, raising his hands and stretching out his words.

“Owen, quit it.”

“Quit what? What have I done?”

In a fit of anger and annoyance, Ezra lifted the bed beneath them. He didn’t even raise his hands, but Owen pulled his legs up to his body in fear and panic.

“Ezra, what’s happening? Ezra! What is this?”

Coming back, Ezra realized that he had gone too far and tried to place the bed down gently, but having it land with a loud thud on the floor. He watched the color leave Owen’s face and the emotions form in an undistinguishable expression. Ezra stood quickly and tried to collect himself before he broke down. He gently backed out of the room and begged for forgiveness. Owen didn’t speak, but his eyes were filled with both horror and tears.

Ezra did not leave his bed. He did not come out for meals with his roommates. He did not come out of his room, but he pulled the door closed every time it moved without even moving a muscle. He stayed awake until he heard the other doors in the apartment close; that is when he fell asleep. That is when he gave into relaxation.

i’m still alive, thanks for wondering

Tonight, I was thinking that I would post a piece of fiction, but unfortunately enough, I do not have anything finished; I was working on something to do with my baby, Ezra, on Christmas but I haven’t worked on it lately.

You’d think with four classes, I would be on that shit. I have been working on a book for almost four years. I’ve literally been working on it since 2013, but I also keep starting new projects. I mean, I don’t even have class on Wednesdays and Fridays. I should have time, but I’m kind of lazy and Netflix is always around like that reliable booty call; did I really just use that term? Disgusting.

I was actually really excited about this semester at the beginning of this week because I have to write a screenplay for my literary film class? Stage directions, fan-casting, and the whole enchilada. I was anxious, but also excited as hell because I was gonna adapt my Ezra story with Tom Holland as Ezra and Colin Ford as Owen (if this post somehow ends up in either of their possession, please read this shit and if you really want me to write you the unrequited love story about two college boys where one turns out to be magical, that’s cool, no big deal).

I also thought it would be cool to announce that I’m gonna be the co-public relations chair for my college RSO (registered student organization) and it’s honestly made me feel great to be a part of. Through this group, I have learned so much about the LGBTQ+ community than I already did and next month, I will be traveling to Chicago for MBLGTACC 2017! For those who probably don’t know, this is a conference, The Midwest Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, and Ally College Conference, where I will learn so much and hopefully meet so many people that will teach me so many more things about this wonderful community. This week has just been so great.

i also preordered the nintendo switch, the legend of zelda: breath of the wild, and kingdom hearts 2.8, so there’s that.

I’ve also come back to my Twitter, so join me there: https://twitter.com/chancet1014

Thanks for reading.