Everything hurts and I’m dying

Do you know how awful it is to fall in when you’re in college? It sucks. It’s horrible and I wanna stay in bed. I’m sitting here in class with a scarf wrapped around my neck and I nearly had it wrapped around my face and I’m draining my dumb coffee cup quicker than I should. My throat is scratchy and I’m breathing in short ragged breaths and it’s like, PUT THE BULLET IN ME ALREADY.

When I was a freshman, I totally tried to kill what was inside me with Sudafed PE and Vitamin C gummies; they were shaped like orange slices and I wanted to eat them like candy. I think I was ill in my sophomore year? I totally don’t know. But I skipped it last year! And now I’m sitting here with my nose dripping in the middle of class. What the fuck, body? You eat salad every day so give me this one thing. I’d just like to skip another winter’s sickness. I didn’t even think to get medicine when I was in the store today. DAAAAAAMMMMNNNN it.

These are both me:

Today’s a pretty big day for a lot of people

October 11, 2016 has probably flooded your Facebook and Twitter timelines with posts of your friends coming out and sharing their stories of how their lives changed after they did so. CoverGirl even announced their first CoverBoy. I’m not here to broadcast my entire life on my blog, but I’m here to talk.

There’s a reason I’m in the Spectrum group here at CMU. They are the group to promote tolerance of many issues including sexual orientation and they educate this campus on the LGBTQ+ community here and I’ve been to every meeting this semester; I even applied to be the Public Relations Chair. I’m going to get myself a photo of me and the rainbow door they bring to campus because this is Coming Out Week, but here, October has become Coming Out Month.

Let’s start this off like an AA meeting: Hi, I’m Chance and I’m asexual. I’m asexual and I’m basically panromantic or biromantic because I haven’t entirely decided. Being asexual isn’t anything special. I don’t feel sexually attracted to people. I’m not big on the physical act of doing the do. Why panromantic? Why biromantic? Because I don’t exactly care who I love; it could be anyone. I just don’t feel like any of it’s necessary and I’m fine with it. I still haven’t decided if I want children in the future, but I’ve also said that I want a genetically engineered son.

I’m open with things. I’m fine with it. One of my favorite shows is Rupaul’s Drag Race if you haven’t seen my blog post about it. Half of my Amazon list is filled with songs by drag queens. I’m not gay, but I’m sensitive, a little flamboyant. I’m no different than when I was before you knew this about me. But thank you for reading if you read it. Signing off and bye-bye.

Stressed Out: the life of me

In four days, I hit that magical age everyone waits for. I’ve already turned sixteen, eighteen, but now it’s on to the big one. No, not fifty; I’m not golden yet. I’m talking about twenty-one. And what do I have to show for it? Anxiety, mostly. Student loan debt. A bitter attitude toward most people. And a genuine openness for the weird. But I think there are some good things, right?

I’m a college senior! I’ve made it to my last full year of school! At least until… I look into possibly teaching. Yes, I am looking into teaching after I graduate from Central. I’m not sure how much I can find in my future with just an English major. So, that’s something I’ve got going for me? When you hit sixty credits at this school, you can actually substitute in the state of Michigan.

I’ve got a job! I’ve got two jobs! I’ve had both of these jobs since May of 2014 and I’m still going strong, except for the fact that working in retail has given me this awful bitterness.But I’ve got such great friends at this store and I miss them through the year although I go home for winter breaks to make that cash I need to survive.

I’ve fucking met celebrities. Half the people who live in my town can’t say that. Yeah, I paid for these photographs and autographs, but guess what? I’ve met Chancellor Palpatine of the Star Wars universe. And Billy and Mandy. And Aquaman. So, bite me.

I donate more to charity than most people I know. Yeah, I get stuff in return like bombass tee shirts, but it’s still charitable.

But I’ve seriously learned so much in my time here so far. I’ve read so many books and seen so many movies and I’ve done so much that makes me happy. I’m living for me and even if I have regrets in my life, I’m doing well. I’m missing people, but I’m also good. And this weekend, I’m ready to get fucked up with whatever alcohol is available. Deal with it cause I’m an adult now and I am smart enough to make my own choices.

excited

he took a walk on the wild side

Ezra felt like he could take a walk on the wild side, in a manner of speaking, and actually try to learn something new. He had done his midnight ride, but there had to be other things he could do. How else would he travel? Was he gonna jump on a broom in broad daylight and park it on the bike racks? Things he had seen called for intergalactic modes of getting from point A to point B, general teleportation. He wanted to think of one place and be there. The others had gone home from the weekend, leaving Ezra home alone although Owen would constantly send him text messages and ask about his general well-being even if he’d come back on Sunday morning.

After a breakfast of microwave pancakes, Ezra sat cross-legged on the couch in the living room with the curtains closed. He had adopted a sort of meditative pose as he tried to learn new things and everything seemed to move smoother for him. He learned quicker this way although having a proper spellbook would accelerate the process. But this was the real world even if he were unreal.

Ezra squeezed his eyes shut tighter than what was comfortable. He curled his fingers inward toward his palm and took deep breaths. He focused on the seat next to him, hoping something simple wouldn’t take so much out of him. He could make stationary items move, create fire in his hands, and change people’s thoughts; it should not have been hard for him to teleport himself five inches to the right. But after a moment of focusing, he felt fuzzy and incomplete. To his own mistake, he realized that he was holding his breath by mistake, focusing too hard on the matter at hand.

Ezra sank back into his focus and tried again. He felt the same as he had before, but he took a breath in and let it back out. He pressed harder into his own hands and added a low hum to his stance. He felt like the embodiment of a static TV screen. The fuzziness didn’t go away and Ezra knew why. He was in the process; his body was currently moving from one place to another. It was like the Willy Wonka movie and his body was the candy that was being broken up and sent through the air. With another motivational push, Ezra opened his eyes and saw that his view had shifted. He had moved. Ezra had actually teleported from one spot to another, even if it was just from one couch cushion to the next.

Next, he tried from the couch to Owen’s armchair; he was successful. The armchair to a kitchen chair was successful. He stood and went from the kitchen chair to his bathroom. From his bathroom, he went to the stairwell of his apartment building and finally to a building he had class in, the motion sensors turning the lights on. He was just like Nightcrawler of the X-Men, and with his abilities, he could even add a puff of smoke to his entrance.

In a moment of whim and impluse, Ezra left the building and ended up in his bedroom at home; it wasn’t his apartment bedroom, but his room in his family home. Ezra thought of his apartment and that’s where he went. If there was something to be said, it was that he was determined.

i’m writing this saga of a magical, possibly non-heterosexual guy

Ezra pondered whether or not he would pursue Owen although he did not authentically feel the same way as his friend. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them if he did without truly knowing. If he were like the magically-able on TV, he’d put his energy and faith into a deck of worn out tarot cards and a crystal ball; instead, Ezra had a Magic Eight Ball he’d shake until he got a suitable answer. Owen never brought up the matter at hand, mainly because he did not know that he had revealed any such information. Ezra never let him know that Owen professed a declaration of love for him in a magic-induced slumber. The two of them still lived in peace with Mason and Gavin, hoping things would remain in a state of normal. He rubbed his eyes and rolled out of his bed, deciding to wash his face.

“Ezra, we’re making breakfast if you wanna join,” Owen said, popping his head into the bathroom. He waited for Ezra to surface from the lake he had created in the sink.

It was the weekend. No classes since Thursday, his homework was doing itself when he willed it, and Ezra was ready to spend the day in bed with a few mugs of coffee and a movie marathon. They started every weekend together with an actual prepared breakfast instead of Eggos and Toaster Strudel. Ezra would eat more than he actually like to because Owen was such a good cook.

“Thanks for letting me know, Owen.” Ezra felt a tinge of anxiety and sadness as he looked at his best friend.

Owen disappeared and Ezra was momentarily happy. He joined his roommates for breakfast and he returned to his room. He made his coffee with his personal pot and when he forgot about it, he’d heat it back up just by touching the mug. He bundled up under his comforters and he stared at the TV on the dresser as his DVDs switched themselves out and everything just was. Ezra wasn’t sure if he could really go a day without using his powers, but the time would tell.

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

Ezra pulled himself away from his movie to see Owen in the doorway. He held two textbooks and some notebook and he’d twisted a pencil in his short hair as well as he could. He wore fleece pajama bottoms dotted with snowflakes.

“I’m letting you in,” Ezra said, patting the mattress with an open hand. Owen graciously accepted the invitation and made it a point to sit on top of the bedspread, keeping a minimal distance from Ezra. Ezra, in turn, kept his eyes on the TV screen and tried not to think of the harm that he was doing, just being here. They sat in silence together, watching hours worth of movies.

fiction for your brain

Here is a vignette; a vignette is a small look into a single moment and a short (Very short) piece of fiction. Flash fiction! If you read the last one, things will make more sense.

Ezra had surmised that with age, and training, he could rule the world with an iron fist. He could do whatever he had desired and even more. His abilities could go further beyond simple house chores and memory manipulation. He had once guessed that with effort and trying, Ezra could be more powerful than the characters he had seen in movies and on TV. He could be a mixture of Darth Vader and the Wicked Witch of the West. He could have the malice of Maleficent and the White Witch. With his background in magic, he could look up to Lord Voldemort and Saruman. But Ezra knew deep inside of himself that he had and was a good soul and he’d never have a reason to harm anyone with what he could do. But it was always going to be in the back of his mind for safekeeping.

Ezra guessed when he was younger that brooms had no magic in them whatsoever. When Harry Potter played Quidditch and when the Sanderson sisters rode vacuums and mops into battle, were they the ones who provided the magic, or was it buried within the core of a common Swiffer WetJet? In the present day, he would have Googled why witches rode brooms, but he would have a difficult time explaining it to whoever looked at his computer.

His roommates had fallen asleep somewhere far before Ezra did. Homework had gotten more quantitative and finals were upon them for the winter. Mason was sleeping on the living room couch and Mason was sprawled out over textbooks on the kitchen table; Owen was the only one out of them to actually make it to his bed when he grew tired. Why Ezra wasn’t asleep left him confused, but he didn’t mind it. He thrived when he was alone. But tonight, he wanted to try something that he had been stuck on for a while now; could he cause their cheap, plastic broom to fly?

Sneaking around his friends, he pulled the bent broom from its place behind the garbage can and closed the door without so much as a sound. Ezra had bundled up in a peacoat and a tightly tied scarf. His hair hung freely as it blew around with short bursts of wind. He had stepped out from his doorstep and into the parking lot, relishing the crunch of snow under his feet. Like he had seen in all the movies, Ezra slipped the broom between his legs and thought of how he would try to start. Would he press off of the ground like Superman or just let himself rise? Ezra gave a slight jump and he caught himself in mid-air, holding his legs tight so he didn’t fall off. He looked down at the ground around him and saw that he was a good foot away from the snow-covered pavement.

Inside, Ezra was screaming with joy and a feeling of pride in himself. He was flying and it was because he had caused it. He was in control and gave a slight push forward as he moved through the lot. He took himself higher, his feet level with the tops of the cars. And then with gusto, he zoomed up and forward, feeling the air rush around him as he went faster. He tightened his grip around the plastic handle of the broom as he moved faster and faster. He’d scream in excitement, but he didn’t want to risk being seen. From where he was, Ezra could see the entire neighborhood he lived in, the campus, and the buildings deeper into the city. He was higher than the dormitories, but he was higher than most anything in the entire cityscape. In the center of town, he was even higher than the brightly lit Christmas tree. He sat on his broom, holding himself in position and he held his hand out in the air; he’d manifested fire in his palm and watched the flame dance until he put it out by closing his fingers into a fist.

Ezra flew back home and wouldn’t stop smiling after his feet touched down. He unlocked the door with just a wave of his hand and he had replaced the broom, his roommates all still sleeping. He unwrapped from his outerwear and slipped into a pair of joggers and a loose tee and put himself to bed. This night wasn’t like any other, but he’d treat it as such and remember what he could do.

ride-that-vac