It’s late and I’m tired, but I don’t have to be to work for nearly twelve hours. I decided to take a minute on my iPad to write out what has been asked of me a few times now and I want to thank everyone I work with for making my job a little more bearable each day I come in. Customers can’t get me down when I’m surrounded by all of you. Not naming names, literally, but I’ll use our wonderful code that came to be when I wanted to go by Cinnamon. And the list now goes on of all of our reformed strippers entering the work force.

Sprinkles: You’re so scary. Your (the game) sides are tender and your height (the game) doesn’t have a hold on the amount of evil you have pent up in your (the game) body. I love being able to come talk to you and Shortcake when I’ve got literally nothing to do in the entire store.

Shortcake: Keep it up. You’re funny and wonderful and I really like the way that we can have fun just by telling stupid jokes in the middle of the sales floor. The store doesn’t feel complete unless you and Sprinkles are in the same area.

Mississippi Mudslide/Licorice Whip: What’s going on? I mean, Mudslide will probably never see this, but let’s be besties ayyyyyy. And Whip? You’ve got some studying to do.

Boston Cream(Pie): We make a great team when I’m not poking your fragile arms with pens. And discussing your life outside of work. Nah, I’m just watching things for your like a rock. David Bowie would have probably loved to have met you, but you know… We’re in Michigan and he’s dead.

Mahogany: You get excited about things and then I get excited about things and then there’s a fire and then we might have a problem. I don’t know if you remember, but we have actually done a few things outside of this job. I watched you get pelted in the face with a pretty massive water balloon once and you’ve got great aim with a bow. I love working with you thought because instead of me standing idly by, there’s more talking.

Afternoon Delight/Candy: The two of you are great, both in separate entities and together. Afternoon D, we have a great team dynamic except for when you’re slapping me and throwing lint rollers. Candy, you’re just so bubbly and sassy and just fun to be around.

Chardonnay: Congratulations on all the baby stuff. You’re basically our version of the guy at Walmart and I’m very happy with that. I’d rather have you do my scanning and baggin over him any day.

Chow Mein: It’s fun getting you to laugh. I can’t even remember what I showed you today that made you happy, but I remember that you smiled very big. You’re great to work with even if you’re behind a desk and I’m stuck at a register.

Blondie: You’re probably the definition of a work bestie to me and a few other people. We’re like a dynamic duo even if some people (lookin’ at you, Mudslide) can’t find ways to have fun at work. We make the fun by making fun. Movie quotes, dead baby jokes, French Tickler advertisements, and an Office-style show about strippers entering retail life always get me through my day. Blondie and Cinnamon are on the case.

This is the best group of people I’ve worked with in my time with this store and even if you don’t have a name, I’m not skipping you. You’re all appreciated by me. You’re keeping me sane when someone doesn’t read a sales tag correctly.

*gif will follow. I’m tired.


Thank You For Shopping With Us Today

I work in a retail setting for my summers, my winter breaks, and even spring breaks. Calling it retail makes it sound fancy like my coworkers and I walk around racks of clothes asking if customers are finding everything that they were looking for and we all have headsets to tell each other jokes when we’re not discussing sales that are driving us crazy. We are cashiers in a regional “hypermarket” where you can buy your clothes, TVs, and groceries all in one store. We’re the final barrier between customers and the door. Without going through us, you’re not going out. So, maybe take the time to make our lives a little easier so we can serve you better. Reciprocate.

If a cashier says hello, like any regular person, customers should really reply. We did not piss you off before we even started scanning your items. Take a second to escape from your day and just be kind. Seriously. Just say hello. And if your cashier says hello, it’d be really cool if you didn’t reply with “I have (insert name of item) under my cart.” That’s not a greeting, but kind of shitty. We can see it; carts aren’t solid boxes and we have eyeballs.

Throwing money on the register belt isn’t cool. Do you know how hard it is to get a flat coin off a conveyor belt with short fingernails? It makes cashiers feel like you give no damns because you just throw your folded, crumpled bills down and it’s just like, “Really?”

Read the sales tags. If a shirt rings up for $28, it’s rare that it’s actually on sale for $9.99. Or maybe your chips might have been next to a tag that said 2 for $5, but these chips aren’t on sale and I’m sorry. Cashiers don’t make the sales. If I were making the sales, do you really think that I would make a 16 ounce bag of chips $2.50? Them Cheetos be free.

Most stores have self-checkouts. They do not steal jobs from actual people. They are not scary and there’s nothing wrong with them; you just have to be open to learning how to use them. If a button pops up on your screen, don’t push it unless you actually know what it’s for. Do you have your own bags? Yes? Awesome. No? Then why the hell did you push it? Make sure all items are scanned and that they are put on the belt one at a time. Even if the unknown item was scanned, your light is still red and cashiers need to log in to the register.

And listen to your cashier. If the PIN pad says to swipe your card, your cashier says to swipe your card, and God himself says to swipe your card, don’t second guess your cashier and ask “Swipe? But I have a chip card.” Yes, there are still some stores in this country that do not use chip readers.

Cashiers do have stressful days. Be the customer that tries to make that day better.