call me belle

I love exploring this town. I love it even more knowing that I’ve been here for four years now and I haven’t done hardly anything. I was in the corner of my campus today, yelling out “I don’t know where I am!” And it’s so weird because this is almost a whole year after I actually started writing here. That weird gentle weekend is coming up at the end of this week.

But what am I going to do this weekend? Honestly, I’d love to explore this town some more with you while you show me where to go and what we could do here in Mount Pleasant. I’ve never actually walked to Mission Street before because I go everywhere by car, but it’s different when I’m interested in like, the only person who walks and bikes anywhere. Show me what to do. Get me out of the driver’s seat of my tiny batmobile.

Just don’t talk to me about the future yet because I still don’t know what’s happening in the now and don’t want to lose it before this summer comes. But I also want hugs. Please. I want to be affectionate. I hope when you read this, you find it endearing and hilarious and you do that thing where you laugh into your elbow.

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prescribe hugs

I mean, I’m fine. These are a legitimate medicine that release chemicals in the brain to stabilize moods and emotions.

I don’t know what I’ve been doing today. I’ve been watching some of the more romantic Disney films because I’m a connoisseur of them, even if I had only seen 2015’s Cinderella for the first time today; it was good, quite lovely, and even though they were in the end credits, I was happy to hear “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” and “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo”. There was Mulan and I was going to watch Zootopia, but that seemed too torturous at the moment, only because I’ve seen it like, seventeen times and for other reasons. I was going to watch Anastasia for like, the first time all the way through because that seemed romantic enough. But then I watched like, half an hour of Fantastic Beasts because I love Newt with all of my Hufflepuff heart.

But I mean, I laid in bed drifting in and out of sleep since I went to lunch. I mean, where was my motivation? Probably on a shelf in Newt’s case. I mean, if you told me to listen to Beauty and the Beast for the eight billionth time, I’d probably sing “Evermore” four times and then move on to “Something There”. And I mean, today, I just feel the self-doubting and anxious side of me coming through. Yesterday, I was happy as fuck and today, I feel like I’m just floating or like, completely stationary. So, maybe in lieu of a hug, I might go exercise tonight and try doing yoga to balance myself out. I’ve been having a very good streak and I don’t want one stupid aspect of my personality to ruin it for me.

what i like about you

  1. You really know how to dance
  2. Your laugh is infectious 
  3. When you do laugh, you might be the only one laughing and that’s far from the issue
  4. Another thing about your laugh is that you try to hide it in your elbow like a sneeze
  5. You get flustered and it’s pretty funny
  6. You do have a really nice smile
  7. You’re passionate about what you know
  8. You’re smart as hell
  9. You have no problem teaching an impromptu lesson to anybody
  10. You’re a dork, but like, in a good way
  11. You use memes in your speech
  12. You make for a good photograph
  13. You’re young at heart
  14. You’re very shady
  15. You’re very kind
  16. You seem to enjoy me

no one’s asking, but i’m telling

So, I mean, if there’s anything that anyone wanted to know about me, I’ll try to cover as many bases as possible.

  1. I’m 354 years old. Nah, I’m 21, but could you imagine if I were?
  2. I have one sibling.
  3. Both of my parents are together.
  4. I hate both of my jobs, but I do them because I need money.
  5. I am prone to intense sadness, situational depression, if you will. But I haven’t felt it since like, a year ago.
  6. I have very low self-confidence.
  7. I have very high self-confidence.
  8. I am the ruler of Hell most days.
  9. I fixate. Mainly on TV shows and get a little obsessive over them. When I started Supernatural, no one could deal with me.
  10. I am like, five ten, and my brother is taller than I am. He’s currently sixteen.
  11. With my weight, when I broke my big toe in like, sixth grade, the doctors told me that my growth plates in my feet had closed because my hormones were out of whack. That is why I’m shorter than my brother.
  12. I like food.
  13. Because of my like of food, I have struggled with weight for like, most of my life.
  14. I don’t like my weight, my mouth, the fact that I wear glasses, or even the skin on my face.
  15. When I was in fifth grade, I went to Dan “The Beast” Severn’s kick-boxing classes to lose weight. My dad went with me.
  16. I have used, and am using, fat burning pills.
  17. I usually fluctuate with how often I exercise because I get lazy and don’t feel like it.
  18. I’m exercising not just for myself, but to make better impressions on people.
  19. I exercise best with Disney music and Alaska Thunderfuck 5000.
  20. I don’t talk to half of my family most often because they don’t agree with my views and try to push theirs on other people.
  21. I also said very bad things about some of these people and we got into a huge fight about it.
  22. I’m a Hufflepuff.
  23. Like, I really enjoy making friends.
  24. I have said things about people without them knowing it.
  25. I try not to do what I’ve said in 24.
  26. I’m not gay.
  27. I’m not straight, either.
  28. I am asexual and I’m interested in both men and women romantically.
  29. Because of my sexuality, I have found a group on the CMU campus that helps to express myself and I serve as one of the Public Relations chairpersons.
  30. I have only ever had feelings for three people in my life.
  31. I currently have feelings for someone now. They are the third person.
  32. I’m being kind of very obvious with this person and that isn’t a good thing because I don’t know how to do this kind of thing. I really don’t want to push it.
  33. I paint my nails often, not only because I like it, but because I had cellulitis in both middle fingers from biting my nails. The polish keeps me from doing that.
  34. I live on campus in my senior year, and even next semester, because I don’t save enough money to live off-campus.
  35. I am an impulse spender.
  36. I kind of don’t like my roommates now. I can tolerate them, but it isn’t on a level of liking them.
  37. I still haven’t decided what I’m doing with my life.
  38. I am currently writing a book, but it has been about three and a half years since I started.
  39. I’m also working on the projects that I post here to my blog.
  40. I also think I wanna go into teaching after I graduate.
  41. I also might be working at Meijer for a few years.
  42. I’m too poor and my grades aren’t good enough for grad school. I also have no motivation for it.
  43. I believe in women’s rights, trans rights, LGBTQ+ rights, pro-choice rights, and basic human rights for everybody.
  44. I watch movies of all sorts because I’m not only interested in them, but I am a cinema studies minor.
  45. I have run out of things to talk about.

i left my heart in chicago

Did I really leave my heart in Chicago? There’s still something pumping the minimal amount of blood through my body even if the thing’s been useless for a while. This weekend, it woke up though from its deep slumber while I experienced life worth living at this most beautiful conference, MBLGTACC, and I opened my eyes to new and hopeful possibilities. I also don’t know how to use my own emotions, so I’m kind of fucked. Like, they’re in here somewhere if I poke around a little bit and pull them out of the cave they’re hiding in. I was inspired by the scenery and the things I saw to write a quick snippet of something I thought was one of the more pleasing things I’ve written.I thought maybe Ezra and Owen could be the he and the speaker, but I haven’t decided yet.

He sat there with sun streaming in through the dirtied glass window. The fingerprints bothered him as he watched the world below him and the water of the immensely large lake rippled in the wind, a gentle breeze. People scattered as they made their way to their respective destinations, shuffling over the city sidewalk in hordes, but his face did not change. He stayed emotionless as I watched him from the side, studying his profile. He did not look at me, but he did acknowledge my presence. I was proud to be next to him, gently taking his hand in mine as he gripped it tighter. I watched the world below just like he did and I felt safe, loved, and at peace with everything that we were. And we stood there as people passed, stopped, stared. We just basked in the sun, lucky to be here another day.

good night.

leslie

I know I’ve used this gif before, but it seems like fun and it’s a little relevant. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE I HAVE A HEART.

i’m still alive, thanks for wondering

Tonight, I was thinking that I would post a piece of fiction, but unfortunately enough, I do not have anything finished; I was working on something to do with my baby, Ezra, on Christmas but I haven’t worked on it lately.

You’d think with four classes, I would be on that shit. I have been working on a book for almost four years. I’ve literally been working on it since 2013, but I also keep starting new projects. I mean, I don’t even have class on Wednesdays and Fridays. I should have time, but I’m kind of lazy and Netflix is always around like that reliable booty call; did I really just use that term? Disgusting.

I was actually really excited about this semester at the beginning of this week because I have to write a screenplay for my literary film class? Stage directions, fan-casting, and the whole enchilada. I was anxious, but also excited as hell because I was gonna adapt my Ezra story with Tom Holland as Ezra and Colin Ford as Owen (if this post somehow ends up in either of their possession, please read this shit and if you really want me to write you the unrequited love story about two college boys where one turns out to be magical, that’s cool, no big deal).

I also thought it would be cool to announce that I’m gonna be the co-public relations chair for my college RSO (registered student organization) and it’s honestly made me feel great to be a part of. Through this group, I have learned so much about the LGBTQ+ community than I already did and next month, I will be traveling to Chicago for MBLGTACC 2017! For those who probably don’t know, this is a conference, The Midwest Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, and Ally College Conference, where I will learn so much and hopefully meet so many people that will teach me so many more things about this wonderful community. This week has just been so great.

i also preordered the nintendo switch, the legend of zelda: breath of the wild, and kingdom hearts 2.8, so there’s that.

I’ve also come back to my Twitter, so join me there: https://twitter.com/chancet1014

Thanks for reading.

finals and the holidays got me like

I mean, it isn’t technically finals week yet, tomorrow’s only Wednesday. I have a paper to turn in tomorrow night and I’ve gotta present my work to my class. No, I’ve got that and my professor keeps trying to teach even though Thursday is OUR LAST DAY. I just want Christmas. Please help me. All I’ve been doing is watching Christmas movies and listening to Christmas music and I’m wearing a goddamn Christmas sweater with Darth Vader and candy canes. I bought some kickass presents. Who’s down for watching Home Alone?

I’ve got a stupid take home essay due on Tuesday. I have THREE answering question exams. My final for my fiction class is me just handing in my portfolio and kicking ass with the funny shirt contest. I’m not excited. Please help me.

I wanna keep writing, but finals week. And once I get home, I’ve got work. I’ll make sure to keep it up! I’d say love you, but I don’t and that’s weird.