I’m trying to keep my mind off of some stuff that is really stressing me out. I’m fine. I’ll be good. I’ll get through it. I decided to write my feelings instead of passing out for untold hours.
I woke up with my face flat in the pillow and a spot of dried drool on my cheek. I had nearly forgotten where I was until I saw the faded green paint of my bedroom at home. I heard the sound of something frying on the stovetop and the washing machine rumbling downstairs and I pushed off of the bed and sat, scratching my head. I rubbed my eyes and glanced all around me, taking in the familiar scene of the room where I grew up. Finally, my eyes fell the stuffed cat that ended up by my blanketed feet. I remembered the dream that I had where I completely snapped and I shuddered at the thought. I grabbed the toy by the tail and threw it at the wall away from me. I couldn’t see it right now and I didn’t even want it near me.
Like any young adult, before I even got up to pee, I looked over my phone and the events that transpired through the night. I had received three text messages for every hour I was asleep and a grand total of fourteen calls. The majority were from Owen, but the rest were from Gavin and Mason asking where I was for Owen. I left a read receipt on every one and listened to the voicemails, deleting each one after they were finished. And for the day, I turned my phone off. I wasn’t going to be bothered with cries for forgiveness if there even were any; I didn’t care to read the texts. I was here with my family who actually seemed to accept me for who I was.
I didn’t shower, but I just wanted to eat breakfast. I padded through my bedroom and down the carpeted stairs, tightening the drawstring of my sleep pants as I descended to meet with my family. Mom stood at the stove, dressed in business attire with her hair in a tight bun; she worked in an office. His father was seated at our kitchen table with a steaming mug of coffee and the morning newspaper because we actually subscribed to it. He was wearing a cheap suit ready for his own job in a different office across town. He looked over his paper and smiled at me.
“Good morning, Ezra. Glad to see you up so soon,” he said.
“I didn’t sleep well.”
“We heard. Are you alright?”
Their eyes fell on me as I scratched my head and had a cup of coffee poured and creamer poured in. They just watched as it basically floated from the countertop to my placemat on the table.
“I mean, I’ll live. Mom, don’t you want to sit down?” I waved two fingers and the chair across from Dad slid over the floor, the pan of bacon had begun to flip itself, and her cup of tea had been poured. Mom stared for a moment before she took her seat.
“What are your plans for today, Ezra?” she asked.
“I’m not sure yet,” I replied, “I just don’t know when I’m going to go home.”
“What happened? Are you going to tell us?” Dad asked me.
I told them both even further than what had said the day before. This time, I didn’t leave out Owen’s feelings and how I had personally scared him away with what I could do. They didn’t blame either of us, but they also didn’t side with Owen or myself. My parents believed that what had happened was unexplainable and wrong on a few different levels. I almost couldn’t focus on what was said because my mind was with him.
… … …
I was never afraid of Ezra before now. I never thought that the guy I’ve spent almost four full years of my life with could hide something so huge from me, I can barely stand it. I understand that Ezra held this secret so deep inside, but I thought we were closer than this. Did he think that because I’m a different and regular guy that I couldn’t handle this? I’ve seen movies. I’ve seen TV. I am sidekick. Ezra trusted me and I threw it back at him. I mean, there must have been a different way for him to come out with it, but he didn’t deserve the way that I treated him. I still love him though.